Project CitiBoi

Onverwagse Bedenkinge

2012-02-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

Wanneer mens 'n sekere ouderdom bereik, min of meer in die area van vyf-en-twintig. blyk dit dat al jou vorige liefdesvertwistinge hulleself tot die huwelik oorgee.
Daar bestaan 'n amper weeklikse stroom bekendstellings in die sosiale rubrieke van plaaslike koerante waar jy die bruid se naam herken en vlugtelik herinner word aan 'n aand. 'n naweek of 'n oomblik gedeel. Hierdie huimwee raak dan deel van jou bestaan op hierdie gegewe tydstip in jou lewe. 'n Ou gewoonte, en dan... Dan sien jy Haar naam eendag, netjies gedruk op die bladsy, langs die naam van ene Pieter so-en-so.
Dit is die tipe gebeurtelikheid wat mens soms kan dryf tot heroorweging van jou lewensbesluite, jou wellustige bestaan te betwyfel, of selfs dalk, om die steekpyn te ervaar wanneer jy weet dat dit wat jy eintlik nog altyd geglo het sal uitwerk, nou nooit kan nie...

Nuwe Hoop ('n Alternatiewe slothoofstuk?)

2012-01-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Dit het my so lank geneem om die waarheid te sien. Die waarheid wat ek so doeltreffend vir myself verskuil het, versteek het agter hindernisse wat ek vir myself geskep het.
Ek het uiteindelik die raad gevind wat ek nodig gehad het om die klappe van my oe te verwyder. Om dit waartoe ek myself blind gehou het raak te sien.
Ek treur vir die verlies. Die verlies van 'n eens groot deel van myself wat ek nou tot niet moet maak. Maar, terselfdetyd, verwelkom ek die vryheid wat die onverwyderbare deel van die verlies dog dan ook is.
Dit is ook dan waar, dat tesame met hierdie nuutgevonne vryheid, daar 'n groot verantwoording is wat ek moet doen, soos met enige vryheid, die reperkussie van my besluit moet weeg aan die koste.
Die koste van die naajaag van dit wat ek soek, selfs nodig het, is dan die meerderheid van al my prestasies. Prestasies wat leeg en dor is wanneer dit gemeet word aan dit wat ek kan bereik, kan vermagtig.
'n Deel van my sien hierdie prys as te hoog, maar daardie deel is besig om die stryd te verloor teen die res van my self, wat die risiko as die moeite werd begin sien. Namate meer en meer van die psige van die self die nuwe moontlike avontuur identifiseer as 'n risiko wat die moeite werd is, voel ek 'n element van verligting in my. Die gebeure van die afgelope jaar nie meer wat dit eens was nie, inteendeel, die verwikkelinge eerder sien as leeg en dor, die prestasies as sinneloos en betekenisloos, die enigste waarde daarvan dat dit my voor hierdie geleentheid gebring het. My voor hierdie besluit kom plaas het. Wat dan gemaak? Watter padjie gekies? Watter risiko om te neem? En watter prys om te betaal?
Ek reflekteer op die gesprek met Michelle, op die inherente opregtheid van haar advies, haar raad en mees belangrik, haar analise en weet wat ek moet doen, maar nie of ek gereed is om die kans te vat nie. Gelyktydig doodseker van die feit dat om dit nie te doen nie, grens aan selfmoord.

Verkragting van die siel

2011-11-10T03:09:00.001-08:00

Die absurditeit van die alleenheid, die doellose dwaal van ellende en die valse maskers van verduistering en verwarring om die verbeelde veiand veilig buite bereik te hou het reeds so verstrengeld deel van die self geword dat die verwronge mispersepsies onherroeplik realitiet is. Deur magtelose pogings tot redding, daadwerklik sonder nut of vooruitsig van sukses probeer jy tragies die werklikheid ontken en die onmoontlike bewerkstellig. Die onafskeibare mengelmoes van mislukking en verdriet wat die totaliteit van my menswees omskryf kan nie gered word nie, dalk dan eerder wil nie. Totale banktrotskap van wilskrag na die laaste groot oplewing, die uiteindelike aanvaarding van die onvermeidelike, die eersdaagse hinkering na meer nie meer ter sprake nie en die totale ineenstorting van hoop wat dien as die simptome van die siekte. Die siekte bloot-eenvoudig verkragting van die siel.

Selfverdriet verdien...

2011-08-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

--Ek het oorspronklik hierdie stuk herroep omdat iemand dit versoek het, onlangse ontwikkelinge het my daardie besluit laat heroorweeg, asook om sekere dele te herverwerk om 'n meer dramatiese effek te bied in die konteks van die gebeurtelikheid wat beskryf word en die daaruitspruitende karakterontwikkeling--

Ek stap by die kantoor uit, elke deel van my skree van verlange na die nodige, ontspannende effek van alkohol op hierdie Vrydag-aand. In die verbygaan skree ek vir Ernst dat ek hom sal kry by Amazon's vanaand vir 'n drankie of dertig, beide van ons met swaar weke agter die rug en die besef dat ons net wil vergeet van alles en almal en onsself wil verloor in die drank en kameradery van 'n Vrydag-aand payday in hierdie myndorp.
Terwyl ons die planne bespreek en finaliseer lui my foon.
Ek gly die foon uit my sak uit en sien dat dit Kylie is. Ek antwoord die foon:
"Hey pretty lady."
"Ek is sexy, my ou is weg vir die naweek en ek soek iets om te doen vanaand?"
"Waar kry ek jou?"
"Jou plek, waar bly jy nou?"
Nadat ek die gesprek afegelui het maak ek 'n flou verskoning met Ernst en besef dat ek geen idee het hoekom nie, maar ek het die begeerte om hierdie vrou vanaand alleen te sien. Dalk is dit die selfsugtigheid in my, dalk die wete dat ek al vir hierdie geleentheid wag vir enkele maande of dalk is dit die wete van dit waarna haar woorde gespeel het...
By my huis gekom spring ek deur die stort en trek my aan vir 'n aand uit. Ek het geen idee hoekom nie, hierdie gevoel is heeltemal vreemd en onbepland, maar ek het die diep begeerte om die aand met haar en haar alleen te spandeer. Sy bel om te laat weet dat sy by die hek is en ek gaan uit om vir haar die hek oop te maak. Toe sy binnekom en die half uitgepakte bokse op die vloer sien noem sy dat ek ook nooit ophou trek nie, haar gesig in 'n speelse glimlag wat my laat glimlag in antwoord.
Ek trek gou klaar aan en ek vra haar of sy met haar kar, my kar of die bike wil ry? Haar antwoord verbaas my; "Kom ons vat die fiets"
Ons stap in by Amazon's, reguit na die kroeg toe. Sy bestel twee Hunter's, en ek vergesel haar na 'n tafel toe. Nadat ons daar kom los ek die helmets en baadjies op die tafel en stap terug na die kroeg toe. Ek bestel vir myeslf 'n trippel Jack Daniels straight, vier Cuervo Black Medallion tequilas en vier karamel Vodkas saam met my Red Square Silver. Toe ek die skinkbord op ons tafel neersit hoor ek die protes in haar stem; "Tequila en Vodka? Try jy my uit my klere uit kry?"
Ons kuier en wees gesellig. Ons geniet die drank en geniet die sigarrette en geniet die geselskap en gebrek aan inhibisie wat ons geniet in mekaar se nabyheid. Nadat ons drank klaar is besef ons dat ons sigarette klaar geraak het in die ongeorganiseerde warboel van die aand se geslligheid. Ons besluit om te ry Sideline toe en sommer daar sigarette te kry. Nadat ons die sigarette gekry het en by die klub instap beweeg ons reguit na die cocktail bar toe waar ek vir ons elkeen 'n liquid coccaine bestel. Sy noem dat sy dit mis om sterre te kyk. Ek kry die valhelms en baadjies by die deurwag en kry haar by die fiets. Ons ry uit op die Loskoppad na die vliegveld toe waar ek die fiets parkeer voor een van die Hangers en ons stap uit in die taxi pad na waar die hangers eindig. Ons gaan soek 'n plekkie in die lang gras waar ons die valhelms as stoele gebruik en sit en praat en rook en toelaat dat die wêreld om ons vloei terwyl ons verdwaal in mekaar se lewensverhale en sien hoe die vlamme van die aankomende veldbrand stadig aan onder beheer gebring word deur die brandweer. Ons kyk op na die oop hoëveld wintersnag en sien die helderheid van die sterre in die hemel. Nadat die koue ons oortuig om eerder elders voort te gesels besluit ons om maar terug te keer na die dorp toe, en sommer by Pavillion te stop vir 'n drink en 'n pool game.
Daar aangekom is die oorsaak vir die plek se reputasie onmiddelik duidelik. Ons drink nog 'n drankie en gaan dan maar terug na my huis toe. Daar gekom wil sy die musiek video sien wat ek haar vroeër gewys het en ek sit dit aan op my rekenaar. Sy staan voor my en sê: "Jy mag nie vat nie."
Sy begin ritmies haar lyf beweeg, haar klere stuk vir stuk uittrek voor my oë, stadigaan word die wulpse en onverwags sexy liggaam aan my ontbloot en ek veg met bomenslike mag om nie in te gee nie, nie te vat nie, nie oor te gee aan die honger van maande se alleenheid wat in my saamswel en opsweep nie. Sy neem my hand en speel dit oor haar vel en in daardie oomblik gee ek my oor aan die wellus, die opgehoopte frustrasie en spanning gee weg en ek verloor myself in haar lyf, in haar oë, in die sagte, soet warmte van haar mond. Ek soen haar, begin myself uittrek. My hande bewe reeds van die afwagting en ek vervloek my swakheid soos ek gereed maak om haar te neem. Sy stop my en kyk my in die oë en sê vir my in 'n stem met meer verleidelikheid en rou, naakte sensualiteit as wat ek al ooit gehoor het: "Take me..." sy sug hard, diep, "...like the whore..." nog 'n sug, "...that I am!". Die tergende uitdrukking op haar gesig, wetende dat sy sopas reggekry het wat baie min vrouens al ooit reggekry het...
In daardie oomblik neem ek die lyf wat sy voor my hou vir myself, neem haar in my arms, vou haar bene om my en gaan haar binne. Die feit dat ek weet dat sy aan 'n ander man behoort bied geen weerstand aan my aksies nie. Al die elemente van my menswees en die reëls wat ek so sorgvuldig gebou het, die mure wat ek om myself opgerig het vergete. Ek verloor my in die oomblik en ek drink soos 'n man wat weke in die woestyn gedwaal het van die vat water voor my. Die minute swem verby my, berby ons soos wat ek selfsugtig neem wat voor my is, vat wat aan iemand anders behoort, en geen morele objeksie toelaat om te seevier nie.
In daardie oomblike, in 'n tyd van net so bietjie meer as 'n uur het ek ingegee. Opgegee en erkenning gegee aan die deel van my wat al maande lank begeer en smag na die dominansie en neem van haar. 'n Blatante aanval op 'n tergende stelling wat sy gemaak het maande gelede; "Ek sal nooit met jou slaap nie."
En dit was... Pateties
Die seks self was nie noodwendig noemenswaardig nie, die gebrek aan dieper emosionele konneksie 'n verdere refleksie op die manier waarin ek myself weereens verraai het, die selfverdriet, swaar en bitter in my, soos die wete dat daar nie genoeg drank in my huis gaan wees om hierdie nuutste mislukking van self te verdrink nie.

Soggens

2011-05-27T04:43:00.000-07:00

--Oorspronklik bedoel as 'n slothoofstuk, het ek besef dat die karakterontwikkeling wat nodig is om die protagonis af te rond nie kan eindig met die verlange wat ek as mens nie meer voel nie--

Vanaand weer, soos elke ander aand sedert ek en Lizbeth terug is van Tanzanië af, spook jy weer in my drome. Nie meer soos vroeër, dieselfde een droom se repetisie nie, maar in verskeie skakerings en variasies op temas, allerlei willekeurige fantasië waarin jy voortdurend die enigste konstante bly...
Na afloop van elke droom skrik ek weer wakker en voel die hol leëmte binne in myself opdruk en uitborrel.
Al besef ek dat dit net 'n droom was, wil ek alles in my verruil om dit werklikheid te maak...
Sonder afwyking herroep dit binne in my die diep, bittere verlange na jou. Tydens hierdie oomblike, soos ek luister na die hane se gekraai en die ganse se lawaai en uikyk oor die landskap, met die gloeiende rooi koolkie op my sigaret as my enigste metgesel in die droewe donkerte van die swart-vroeë-oggendure, word ek flitsig gevul met die verlange na die aande, nie so lank terug nie, toe ek nog kon drink om die drome van jou te vermy.
Elke oggend, na die vyfde of selfs sesde iterasie van die proses, in daardie oomblikke wat die son in die skakering wat jy eens aan my as "Pampoenpienk" beskryf het, haar gesig oor die rand van die rollende heuwels wat my uitsig is begin uitlig, besef ek dat hierdie wel tog 'n vorm van vordering is.
Dat elke dag, nog 'n dag is, nog 'n geleentheid is om die stryd voort te voer.
Dat ek nooit sal of kan of wil ophou hoop nie en dat ek nie sal opgee nie.
Nie vir so lank as wat ek nog lewe nie...
Ek skiet die stompie van my hoeveelste sigaret by die balkon af en vat 'n diep teug van die bitter-koue vroeg-oggend lug in my longe in, stap my woonstel binne en maak reg vir hierdie "nog 'n dag" met net een gedagte in my hart; Ek bly onherroeplik lief vir jou; nou en vir altyd...

Bloed

2011-05-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Die hartseer realiteit van die lewe waarin ek myself onherroeplik vasgekeer vind, is dit; ek is moeg. Moeg vir almal se kinderlike probleme, die irritasies in hull sinnelose lewens wat hulle op my probeer afwerp. Is dit iets in die ervaring in my oë wat mense gerusstel om met my te deel wat hulle voel en dink en wat aangaan in hul lewens?
Lyk ek betroubaar?
Dink hulle ek kan help?
Fok, as hulle net geweet het.
Hulle oppervlakkige "probleme" weeg nie naastenby op teen dit wat in my lewe aangaan nie. Die werklikheid van die mislukking wat ek is, soveel groter, so onmeetbaar massief dat enige iets wat hulle het, nie eers voel soos 'n sandkorrel teen die berg daarvan nie.Die diepte van dit alles, die werklikheid van wat ek gedoen het, wat ek voel en ervaar borrel soms oor en op die kookpunt doen ek die een ding wat ek weet dat ek kan doen sonder om uitgesonder te word of onderwerp word aan sielkundige behandeling. Ek hou dit in, begrawe dit en wys niks. En dan sien mense dat ek terugtrokke en moeg lyk. Hulle dink dat hulle weet wat aangaan maar het eintlik geen idee nie. Die vae idee dat dit 'n liefdesteleurstelling is wat so swaar op my gemoed rus is juis die illusie wat ek kweek, aanhuts en brandstof gee, want solank as wat mense dink dat dit al is, gaan hulle nie krap nie.
My sien as 'n swakkeling dalk, maar hulle sal nie weet nie. Hulle kan nie weet nie.
Die verlies van "Die Een" weeg swaar teen die baklei van my voortbestaan, maar dit is nie die enigste nie. Die tyd saam met haar was meer as net 'n liefdesverhouding sonder vergelyking. Dit was die eerste keer in 'n baie lang tyd wat ek nie elke oomblik van elke dag, elke liewe fokken dag, moes ervaar hoe die gesigte, en mense uit my vorige lewe by my spook nie. Die herinneringe van soveel lewens wat ek geneem het, die dode wat ek veroorsaak het. En die bloed...
Al die fokken bloed...

Die Vlug

2011-05-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Die monotoniese gedreun van die vier Allison T56-A-15 turboprop enjins op die vlerke van die Lockheed C130 Hercules vragvliegtuig verskaf geen afleiding van die koue binne die bykans leë buik van die militêre vliegtuig nie.
Die weervoorspelling was toe reg, ek voel hoe die rukwinde die vliegtuig laat stuier en spring, hop en val. Sien die reëndruppels saamswel en teruggly teen die glas van die klein ronde poortvensters. Dit herroep 'n herinnering van diep in my geheue, van 'n aand 'n leeftyd gelede. 'n Leeftyd gelede maar net 5 maande in die telling van diè wat nie van beter weet nie;
Die staptog winkel toe in die aand, die lukrake, onbeplande willekeurige stop by die Dros vir 'n whiskey. Die Dros waar ons die tyd omgepraat het en misgedrink het. Vlak vae gesprekke oor 'n moontlike toekoms vir ons twee saam. Die tipiese gesprekke van soveel verliefde paartjies op soveel plekke wat so dikwels plaasvind op hierdie planeet. Maar, tog, anders. Ek was besig om te vinnig te diep te val vir hierdie vrou, maar dit was net sulke aangename, vredelike gevoel dat ek nie bereid was om die moontlike gevaar vir myself raak te sien nie. Toe ons uiteindelik die rekening vereffen en uitstap het ons ontdek dat dit begin reën het in die tyd wat ons daarbinne gesit het. So 'n ligte stadsreën en die parkeerterrein was leeg. Die garage wat net aan die anderkant van die oop, geteerde parkeerarea van die winkelsentrum wag, die ligte aan. Bereikbaar. Ons besluit om deur die reën te hardloop en haal die hek, klouter soos mal kinders onderdeur en rits oor die straat na die garage toe.
Die nuutste uitgawe van PC Format het nog my aandag gevang, en gelei tot 'n vlugtige bespreking van die veld. Die vet bonusse in ons sakke brand, en ons koop allerlei lekkergoed, insluitende 'n pienk en blou flitslig lekkertjie wat 'n sterretjie of 'n hartjie met 'n glimlag daarop teen die gekose oppervlak sou projekteer met die druk van 'n knoppie. 'n Bloue vir my en 'n pienke vir haar. Sinnelose kinderspeelgoed wat ons toe in elk geval later geruil het sodat sy tog nie 'n pienk item moes besit nie. In die natuur van die romantikus wat ek besig was om te herontdek binne myself, loop-hardloop-trippel ons deur die reën deur terug na my ouers se huis toe. Die huis waar ek grootgeword het. Ons het seker soos twee versleë straatkatte gelyk toe ons watersopnat en heeltemal deurweek die voordeurklokkie lui en, soos te siene in my ma se uitdrukking toe sy die deur oopmaak, het ons heel kens voorgekom. Sy het nog eers die kamera gaan haal om 'n foto te neem alvorens sy die hek wou oopsluit.
Die mees aangename herinnering wat ek nog ooit gekoppel het aan reën.
Ek kyk oor die vragruim na waar Lizbeth lê in haar slaapsak, ek sien dat sy ook nie aan die slaap kan raak nie. En steek maar 'n sigaret aan. Die spanning en angs is duidelik sigbaar in die manier wat sy sit-lê en haar eie sigaret rook. Die spanning en afwagting van iemand wat nog nooit tevore deelgeneem het aan so 'n operasie nie. Vir die honderste maal vra ek myself of ek seker is dat sy wel die regte keuse was vir hierdie sending. Sy wat nog nooit enige militêre opleiding gehad het nie. Die twyfel eet steeds soos 'n ongerekende honger aan my, maar ek kon niemand beters kies nie. Sy is 'n doodskoot met 'n geweer, en die enkel mees betroubare persoon in my lewe. Daar is egter die ander saak ook, sedert sy teruggekom het van Lenette af twee dae gelede is iets anders in haar. Ek kan dit nog nie peil nie, maar sou blind gewees het om dit nie raak te sien nie. Seker maar net die realiteit van dit wat ons vanaand gaan doen. Hoeveel keer het ek al mense gesien op hulde eerste sending, skrikkerig, onsekerheid sigbaar in hul jong gesigte. Ek het self ook so gelyk eens op 'n tyd, baie lank gelede.
Soos wat ek uiteindelik die stompie doodmaak kyk ek na die horlosie wat ek dra, voel snaaks om weer 'n horlosie aan te hê. Die MTM Black Patriot horlosie voel soos 'n onwelkome bedreiging en 'n dooie gewig op my arm. Ek weet dit is net my verbeelding, die horlosie is spesiaal ontwerp vir diè tipe werk, weeg niks en is bykans onbreekbaar. Ek kyk weer, vir die soveelste keer hierdie aand na die tyd, dit is net na tien-uur in Suid Afrika, dus, net na elf-uur in Tanzanië. Amper tyd, ons is al ses-ure in die lug sedert ons uit Middelburg uit opgestyg het. Dit beteken ons behoort oor so 'n uur oor die drop site te wees, net buite Ilula. Ek herinner myself aan die simpel rituele wat die Recces altyd op sulke sendings gehad het. "Lucky Underpants", haaspote, die vryf van 'n hangertjie in die hande, die lees van 'n bybel. Maar net deel van die leefstyl. Ek het nooit staatgemaak op enige sulke lawwe dinge nie. My enigste ritueel was altyd die visualisering van die sukses, die wete dat elke gewonne sending sou lei tot nog 'n bevordering, nog 'n medalje, hoër in die range.
Hier sit ek, op die rand van die volgende groot avontuur en my gedagtes haak vas by Haar. Simpel, onnodig en heeltemal belaglik, maar ek stuur steeds 'n skietgebed op; Beskerm Haar, niks meer nie.
"Hey Grimm, jy gereed om te spring?"
Soos wat sy terugkeer uit haar persoonlike wêreld en haar oë fokus op my tref die werklikheid van hoe opreg pragtig sy is my, heel onverwags. As dinge maar net anders was, sou ek en sy nogal goed kon saam aard. Ons persoonlikhede mesh goed, ons belangstellinge ook. Hoe belaglik is dit nie dat ek romantiese gevoelens begin ontwikkel vir my beste vriend... Wat gay is... Tipies van myself.
"Ja, dude. Are we there yet?", in die trekkerige, speels irriterende stem wat kinders altyd gebruik op lang motorreiste.
"Minder as 'n uur, die loods sal ons nou enige oomblik kom laat weet sodat ons kan kit, is jy seker jou vuurwapens is gereed? Finale equipment check moet maar nou wees, daar gaan nie weer tyd wees nie."
Sy begin om haar toerusting na te gaan, maak weer seker dat alles daar is, die ammunisie, die noodhulptoerusting, die radios ens. Toets die sluitaksie op die CZ.88 pistool wat ek vir haar gegee het, sloot die magasyn terug en sit dit in die holster op haar taktiese badjie. Sy begin die M40A1 geweer na te gaan, loer af deur die teleskoop. So natuurlik, asof sy al vir jare lank met vuurwapens werk. Baie moeilik om te glo dat ek in net drie weke haar opgelei het om met die militêre graad geweer te werk. Haar vorige ervaring beperk tot .22 kaliber sportgewere op skool.
In die relatiewe stilte, nie dat die gedreun van die enjins ooit as stilte kan beskou word nie, begin ek maar self my eie wapens nagaan, die geoeffende aksie bied 'n afleiding, 'n skeiding van die werklikheid van wat ons nou gaan doen. Hmmm, toe het ek 'n ritueel...

Opstaantyd

2011-05-04T04:56:00.000-07:00

Die wekker gaan af, weer, soos elke ander oggend, te vroeg... te laat... nie dat dit saakmaak nie, ek het in elk geval nie geslaap nie, net soos elke ander oggend. Ek gryp blindelings na die foon op my bedkassie en stamp die leë whiskey bottel om. Sal vandag nog 'n bottel moet gaan koop. Hoe ek verlang na die aande wat die whiskey nog gewerk het. Wel, kan maar net sowel opstaan en regmaak vir nog 'n dag in die voortdurende voorigewing van my lewe.
Ek lê teen die muur van die stort en die stoom rys van my lyf af soos die water in dun stroompies teen my vel afloop. My kop rustend op my arms, vervul met 'n diep hoop dat die water die vuil van die wêreld van my kan afwas, die vuil van myself, die gemors wat ek is. Ek onthou dat iemand my eenmaal vertel het hoe sy beter voel wanneer sy haarself onder die stort uithuil, huil en snik en kerm tot al die warm water op is, sodat al die trane, die seer en hartseer emosies in die drein afspoel... Dit het so melodramaties geklink, maar hoe smag ek nou daarna, die vermoë om uiting te gee aan al die pyn en haat en hartseer binne my op so 'n eenvoudige en natuurlike manier. Hoe die moer het ek hier gekom? Hoe het die onmeetbare, onduidelike paadjies van die lewe my by hierdie plek gebring? Hoe het dit vir my onmoontlik geword om selfs net te kan huil?
Soos wat ek die krane van die stort toedraai en die handoek van die deur af lig om myself af te droog kom ek voor die spieël tot stilstand...
Wat ek daar sien laat my 'n oomblik huiwer. Die swart sirkels onder die oë, die styf, spanning van die vel oor ribbes, die akute, patetiese hangende skouers, die algehele gebrek aan dit wat mens, mensmaak. Kan dit daadwerklik wees hoe ek lyk? Die beeld in die spieël is dié van 'n moë man, 'n man wat nie nog 'n dag kan aangaan nie, 'n man wat op die rand van die afgrond staan.
Dit is tog wat ek is, wie ek is, die man op die rand van die afgrond. Getreiter deur die soet aanloklikheid van spring, val, vrywees wat in engele stemme na my roep... Wat die franse noem "L’appel du vide".
Dan val my oë op die tatoërmerk op my ribbes... Die hebreuse skrif met die woorde wat eens so baie betekenis gehad het; Psalm 23, "Die Here is my herder...", die betekenis verlore in die jare sedert ek dit laat doen het, die waarde nou vir my nutteloos. Die langdurende twis met God nog lank nie verby nie, en ek, onbereidwillig om verder te baklei, die las wat ek dra, net nog 'n deel van die onaangenaamheid, net nog 'n bewys van hoe sleg ek werklik is. Net nog 'n herinnering van die totale mislukking wat ek van alles gemaak het.
Na 'n bewustelike besluit om nie verder te dwaal nie sien ek die drie-dag baard op my gesig en besluit ek maar om dalk eerder te skeer voordat ek kantoor toe gaan. Soos wat die elektriese skeermes gly oor my gesig in die dans van soveel manne in soveel badkamers op aarde elke oggend in die onaardse maniere wat ons, ons gesigte trek sodat die honger lemme van die skeermes kan gryp en sny en die hare van ons manswees verslind vind ek 'n tipe vrede in die herinnering van die roetine, iets om aan vas te klou, 'n bewys dat ek darrem nog lewe, as mens dit lewe kan noem.
In daardie vae tussen-in gevoel, half wakker, half dwaelend, besef ek dat dit nou reeds drie dae is sedert ek laas geslaap het. Hierdie gemors met die verdwyning begin aan my eet. Hoekom kry ek nie direkte antwoorde by die mense nie? Hoekom dans die beurokrate so om my vrae? Hoekom wil my kontakte by SANAI nie terugkom na my toe nie? En dan, die regte vraag; hoekom het Lenette my gebel? Van al die mense op hierdie fokken planeet, hoekom moes sy hierdie lank terug begraafde kak weer binne my kom oopkrap. En oor Hom, jissis... Oor Hom. Hoekom moes die mal moer gaan soek na sy fortuin by hierdie mense. Hoekom het ek nie genoeg opgelet om hom te waarsku nie, omgegee nie? En wat nou? Laat ek dit gaan dan is sy bloed op my hande... nog bloed... nie weer nie... Ek het uit daardie speletjie uitgekom en nou, oor 'n fucked up eks se fucked up kak keer al die herrineringe terug. Jare se harde werk, begrawe, drank, dwelms, haat vir myself en meer as dit, haat vir die regering wat dit alles veroorsaak het.
Ek spoel die wasbak uit, ek lyk darrem aansienlik beter. Die fok weet, maar ek sal seker maar moet probeer. Nog een kans, een oproep om te maak. So aanloklik soos wat dit klink om die ding net te los, net sy stille dood te laat sterf en vir haar te sê ek kon hom nie kry nie, is daar geen kans wat ek vir haar sal lieg nie. Die kinders kort hul pa. Dit fokken juis hoekom sy met hom getrou het, nie met my getrou het nie.
"Fok..."
Nog voordat ek besef die besluit is gemaak moer ek my vuis stukkend teen die badkamermuur.
"FOK!!!"

Die Keerpunt - 'n Refleksie

2011-04-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

Ek maak die besluit, in daardie oomblik weet ek, hierdie is nie wat ek wil hê nie. So wil ek nie lewe nie, Hilton Neale het eenmaal gesê; "Imagine a world, a world where every breath is pain, because it meant he was living a second longer in a world where she didn't exist". In hierdie oomblik wil ek dit wysig, aanpas om in te val by my eie ervaring. Wat as sy steeds voortbestaan, en dit wat jou van haar weerhou, is 'n onsigbare, onoorwinbare muur? Die besef dat sy bestaan ten spyte van jou inherente onvermoëe om met haar te kan wees is dan juis 'n duisend maal erger.
Met hierdie besef gepaard sien ek die rooi agthoek van die aankomende stop straat. My besluit is reeds gemaak en ek knip die veiligheidsgordel los. Nou is die oomblik wat die pyn stop. Die pyn wat Hilton Neale beskryf, die pyn van die verlies van "Die Een", daardie vrou, die vrou wat my gelyktydig gered en verdoem het. Die liefe van my lewe. Ek druk die rathefboom terug na derde rat toe, oeffen egalige druk uit op die versneller soos ek die koppelaar laat spring en die kar kom tot 'n galop. Die meganiese presisise van die rooi sportmotor jaag af op die stop straat, 160, 180, 200. Die groen Toyota kom oor die kruising gery, alles is perfek opgelein, 240, 260km/h. Die egalige monstereuse gedreun van die enjin in my ore. So, is dit hoe dit voel.
Om te weet dat my lewe tot sy einde gaan kom hierdie oggend. Daar is geen frees in my nie, net die ywerige afwagting van die oomblik wanneer die pyn binne my gaan stop. Snaaks, ek dog hierdie is die deel waar jou hele lewe voor jou oë moes verbyflits. En toe... gebeur dit... Fok.
In daardie laaste oomblik voor die soete verlossing wat die uiteindelike impak sou bring, toe flits daar 'n herrinering voor my, die herrinering van daardie aand in daardie huis. Die eerste keer wat ek aan haar erken het, in soveel woorde dat ek haar lief het, haar nat hare, haar gesig in-lyn met myne reg voor my in die swembad net voor een-uur die oggend. Die manier wat haar kuif, nat-skeef oor haar voorkop geval het. Toe ek myself nie kon keer nie en haar in die oë staar en die woorde uit my mond uit val nog voordat ek besef dat my lippe beweeg; "ek is lief vir jou". Die onmiddelike ophelder van haar gesig soos wat 'n glimlag, eers oor haar lippe en dan met die spoed wat net 'n glimlag kan besit oor haar hele gesig en dan haar hele wese speel... Die heldergroen van haar retina nog dieper, helderder en meer skitterend as ooit tevore soos haar oë groter oop is as wat ek al gesien het. So groot dat ek tot in die kern van haar menslikheid die geluk wat sy ervaar kon sien. 'n Refleksie van dit wat ek voel. Die bokspring van my hart soos wat ek besef... Sy is Die Een. Die vrou met wie ek gaan wees en wil wees vir altyd. My afrodite. In daardie swembad, in daardie huis, daardie selfde huis, Fok, nog 'n herrinering, daardie oggend. Die sagte vroë oggend lig wat deur die vensters instroom en sagkens oor die kurwe en kleurskakering van haar vel speel, die ligkrans wat die son deur die teenstrydige donsings van haar pikswart hare maak. Die goddelike beeld van hierdie beelskone vrou wat langs my in die bed lê. Elke deel van die prentjie vir altyd in my kop in-geëts.
Damnit. Twee herrineringe, twee sterk, oordonderende redes om my besluit te bedink. Ek kan nie opgee nie. Ek soek haar, met alles in my, elke atoom van my wese skreeu daarna om haar weer vas te hou. Nader te hou, deel te wees van haar en haar deel te maak van my. Fok alles, ek is nie iemand wat sommer net opgee nie, veral nie wanneer die prys waarna ek verlang so groot is nie, alles is wat ek ooit gesoek het en ooit wil hê nie.
15m voor die ander kar, bliksem... Twee sulke perfekte herrineringe het nie 'n oomblik gevat nie. 14m, in een beweging laat ek die versneller pedaal terugspring en oeffen alle moontlike krag op die remstelsel uit. ABS moet nou hulself bewys. Ek trek die veiligheidsgordel oor my en knip dit terug. 10m, 210km/h, shit, vinnig besluit, ek swaai skerp en doelgerig na regs, sny voor die kar verby, mis hom met enkele sentimeters. Maar die gode van die pad vergewe nie so maklik nie. 'n Getz oppad na my toe, direk van vore. Wat nou gemaak?
80m om te besluit, 190km/h op die spoedmeter. Ek is nog besig om die S-beweging te herstel en nou moet ek weer besluit, en hierdie besluit het nie 'n uitkoms nie. Herkom beheer oor die voertuig dan bots ek met die vrou in haar liggroen Getz, met haar seun langs haar, fok, hy moet haar seun wees, dalk haar jong minnaar? Nie nou tyd hiervoor nie. Fokus Bouwer. Swaai ek weer uit, gaan ek nie beheer kan terugkry van die motor nie. Ek gaan rol. Dalk is dit my verdiende loon. Was tog my besluit. Blykbaar laat die gode van die pad jou nie so maklik afskeid neem van jou besluite nie. Ek swaai na links, vermy die onskuldige vrou en haar dalk-minnaar.
Die bande skree, die traction control sukkel, spring en gly. Die kar maak 'n omwenteling, 180 grade en gly sywaarts teen die randsteen vas. So vinnig, so stadig, so... Onverwags... rustig...
Die regterwiele steek vas teen die randsteen en die kar styg op, tol om, die grond is 'n abstrakte konsep soos ek kyk hoe die dou-nat gras met die groot modderkol nader beweeg. Ewe skielik sien ek weer die lug voor my, tweede omwenteling? Hoe... aangenaam beskryf nie die gevoel van vrede wat oor my heers nie. Alles is net. Ek het geen beheer meer oor die situasie nie, wat nou gaan gebeur is in God se hande. Ek voel gemaklik. Toe die knars van staal wat inplat onder die druk van die kontak met die aarde...
...maar ek is nie dood nie, ek kon nie doodgaan nie. En ek weet nou hoekom. Soos wat die mense na die wrak van die motor toe aanhardloop, die geskree van hulle stemme wat voel of dit duisende kilometers ver brom besef ek iets. Ek moes terugkom en in daardie diep groen oë van jou kyk en vir jou sê dat ek jou lief het. Jy het my nie weggestoot nie, ek het teruggekom vir jou en maak nie saak hoe lank dit gaan vat nie, ek sal wag, vir jou.

When clients should listen... For reals yo...

2011-04-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, another fantastically action-packed, event-filled time.... is still in progress. I barely have time to eat, never mind the simple luxuries of a full night sleep or the ability to do my own grocery shopping. But, alas, so is the life of the labour consultant.
Here is a very important point I need to get across. When you pay money, good money, to get someone else to offer you legal advice, would it not be in your own best interest to ensure that you actually follow their advice? Apparently, your average client/manager/higher-up believes that this is not, however the case, and that they should still do whatever it is that they originally intended to do, except now they mistakenly believe that your objections and reasoning somehow translate to; "Of course mr. corporate manager and/or other higher up man, you are absolutely correct and you should do that random thing or make that random decision that you asked my advice about, regardless of any objections that I may have had and then, when it blow up in your face, I will gladly take full responsibility for any fallout that you may encounter from your boss."
Or is this only my version of events? Case in point, a certain matter was hopelessly and grossly beyond rescue by the time it landed on my desk, due to a minor oversight on my part, I failed to see a technical point and subsequently, it transpired that the other party was, in-fact, correct... Whoops...
It is at this point, however, where I start to dig into the history of the matter, and what should I discover other than that the client was advised against this course of action and chose to overrule this advice from a highly competent former colleague who had enough wits to identify the issue early on, report it and then get that little point buried under an avalanche of grey... Until some random, lucky person, happens upon this and saves the day, for everyone who was not tasked with actually doing this thing that I am now kind of directly responsible for.
Eck...
Oh well, live and learn I always say. New rule, if I tell a client something, I will document his refusal and have him sign it on the spot. Also, I will no longer rely on the competence of my colleagues, as this is clearly not a plausible methodology for performing consultation work.
Regardless, in other news. Life is still fascinating, and at some stage, I believe, there is still the possibility that an inkling of hope will remain and I might just win out in the end....

CitiBoi becomes Dorpseun... But goes corporate all the same...

2011-03-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

Good day all readers, followers, interested parties and/or stalkers. Admittedly it has been awhile since my last post, and there has been a very good reason for this, my laziness not being it.
To catch you up on what has happened and why I have been so lax in writing, it is very simple.
I changed careers, moved from the city to a town in Mpumalanga and started a almost entirely new life for myself. The change in career has necessitated a lot of learning, and the new industry has a very steep learning curve, but I am finally feeling like I am making progress, getting better at what I do now and, while not finding time to write yet, have managed to piece together some coherent thoughts over the past three or four nights to post here.
Learning an entirely new job is in itself complicated and hard, but if it is an entirely unrelated field to anything that you have ever done before, it gets harder. However, as IR (Industrial Relations) is an interesting field, and presents unique challenges require you to be able to think fast and change tact on a moments notice, be insightful and assess a situation or a piece of evidence from multiple approach angles at all times, it seems to fill my need for stimulation quite well... A good example would be where a respondent in a CCMA case changes his story halfway through a arbitration leaving your prepared case absolutely useless; then what do you do? You change tact, you re-asess the entire matter in seconds and without faltering continue questioning and presenting different evidence, it is exciting, exhilirating, fascinating and most of all, fun.
I wrote off my little red car shortly after starting my new life in Middelburg, and as the insurance were full of crap and left me with a bit of a lack in the personal transportation department, I was presented with an opportunity to buy the mode of transport that I have wanted for five years now; ie. a 2006 Honda CBR600RR... My new bike recently got her first fine (exactly one week after purchase) but has shown that a well made vehicle can easily outperform something that, on paper, seems superior... And that, after all, is what it's all about.
As my new career path has placed me in a paralegal field, I have been studying a lot of laws, specifically laws pertaining to labour and employment in South Africa. Dismisalls etc. And I will say this, we live in a wonderful country where our government are either complete morons, or absolutely machievellian, I leave it up to you to decide which...

For now, go well... Expect a more relevant and insightful update shortly :)

Die Verval Van Hendrina.

2011-02-15T04:45:00.001-08:00

Hendrina, 'n vaal, verlate, stofbruin wrak van 'n myndorpie. Met paaie wat soos switzerse kaas vol gate en krake le. 'n Dorpie waar selfs die enigste verkeerslig jare terug al opgepak het en elders gegaan het, dalk in protes teen die verval van die plek, die agteruitgang van sy tuisdorp, wie sou weet? Die vervalle bouvallige muurdele in die skelette van huise en besighede beklemtoon net die leemte, die heersende leegheid, 'n refleksie van dit wat ek in myself voel.

Daar stap 'n ou vrou oor die straat voor my, reeds blind en doof en lankal nie meer bestem om hier te wees nie, waarneembaar in die diep slote in haar gesig, die spierwit in haar hare, haar sonverblykte somersrokkie wat kleef aan haar vooroorgebuigde vorm wys die dra en was van jare.

In 'n oomblik sien ek deur 'n verskeuring in realiteite 'n ander werklikheid, 'n parallele heelal waar hierdie vrou ook jonk was, die rok ook nuut, maar net vir 'n oomblik... Dan is dit verby, die geestelike herinnering van die heenkoms van hierdie toneel voor my, die besef dat eens was hierdie nie al nie, daar was tog lewe, sprake van vooruitgang, 'n hoop en 'n glimps van positiwiteit voordat die werklikhede van die wereld dit weggeneem het.

Hoe presies weet ek nie wat die beeld hier voor my en die gees van 'n verlede weklik is nie... Die oorblyfsels van die liefde, van die gevoelens in myself, in my eie hart. Die liefde wat daar was, die volle onbeskryflike genot wat ek ervaar het in jou, deur jou Die oombliklike verligting vanuit die wereld wat ek altyd so ooranaliseer en beredeneer, die tydelike verlossing van die kettings van die lewe. Net voordat dit alles weggevat is, verval het, my verlaat het, my gelaat het met net die tydige tydelike herinneringe van dit wat was, wat kon gewees het, en nou waarskynlik nooit sal plaasvind nie. Net 'n tydelike flitsherrinering van iets perfeks... Die verdoeming van Hendrina, fok, die verdoeming van myself...

Hartseer en verlange...

2011-01-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

Vanaand skryf ek in Afrikaans... Ek skryf in Afrikaans, gedeeltelik omdat ek wil sien of ek nog kan, gedeeltelik omdat ek gese het ek gaan, en meestal omdat ek voel in Afrikaans...

Ek is vervul met verlange, met 'n baie spesifieke leemte in my lewe, 'n leemte in 'n vorm wat ek goed ken. Ek het 'n belofte gemaak en ek is van plan om daarby te hou, maar ek vind dat dit moeiliker is as wat ek ooit sou kon raai om nie te doen wat ek gese het ek nie sal doen nie. Ek het genoeg dinge om te finaliseer en af te handel voordat ek hierdie komende naweek trek, maar nie eers die intensiteit en hoeveelheid werk wat ek my mee besig hou is genoeg om my gedagtes af te lei nie...

Ek begin volgende maand in 'n ander afdeling van die maatskappy waar ek reeds drie jaar werksaam is. Ek skuif heeltemal van beroep, en in die proses, van stede. Ek trek na Middelburg toe en begin as 'n IR Konsultant. Ek maak 'n nuwe begin vir die nuwe ek. Die ek wat nie meer in die stad kon bly nie; die ek wat vergeet het wat dit was om te voel het daar gebly. Die ek wat nie geweet het wie hy is en wat hy wil doen nie, het daar gebly. Die nuwe ek, die ek wat weet presies wat ek wil he uit die lewe uit, wat presies weet waarheen ek wil oppad wees, is die ek wat van volgende week af in Middelburg bly en werk. Die ek wat weer weet hoe dit voel om emosies te ervaar en hoe om te lewe in plaas daarvan om net as buitestander waar te neem hoe ander lewe is die ek wat nou besig is om alles in Johannesburg op te pak, weg te gooi dit waarvoor daar nie plek is nie, en in te pak dit wat ek nodig gaan he om te wees wie ek word.

In 'n mate is dit wat ek doen nodig, om uit die kokon van beskerming waarin ek myself vir 4 jaar teogedraai gehou het uit te klim. Die eerste tentatiewe klap van my nuutgevonne vlerke voordat ek begin om te lewe... Werklik te lewe, sonder vrees, sonder afhanklikheid.

So wag maar op die volgende uitgawe van die blog, hetsy Engels of Afrikaans, om meer te hoor oor hoe dinge gaan in my lewe...

I Love Someone...

2011-01-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

Today, I write my latest entry with a very specific reason in mind, I am writing about something that I am feeling, something inside of me that needs to be said, and something that I need to get off my chest. In order to understand them, you need to understand that there are various types of love, various things worth understanding about love. Amore, Agape and Eros... The reality that love does not necessarily mean all of the above, but can be a selection of them, more specifically, that sometimes, when we are really lucky, they can be all of them...

Love, and being in love, and the fact that I am very lucky in having both of these things, very deeply for someone who is completely worth all of my affection and attention. She is the most perfect girl whom I ever met, and while perfection is relative, it is, in this case, relative to me, and for that reason, the only relevant perspective being my own, she is perfection incarnate. When I am around her, I am filled with a feeling of bliss and contentedness, the time we spend together, I consider my most prized, the most valuable thing I do. I would do anything that she asks of me, and would do everything in my power to ensure that she gets what she needs, that her every want is seen to. I care for this girl so much that I cannot begin to even explain or put into words the intensity of these feelings.

At the present juncture we have decided to start over, take things slowly, let them develop as they should. Without expectation, without fear or uncertainty. Simply stated, be friends. Don't misunderstand me, I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, spend all my time with her, show her the world and experience all of it with her at my side, I want to tell her that I love her, that she is the most important person in the world to me and that she means more to me than anyone else that ever existed. I want to have the certainty that she is mine, and to ensure that she knows that I am hers. I want to spend hours looking at her various smiles, especially the one I remember most perfectly... The smile where her entire face lights up, the one where the individual freckles on her face stand out just a little bit more, almost with pride, the smile where her eyes are so open, so clear that you can see the reflection of the world in their green depths and get lost within that world... The smile that, even by just remembering it, leads to me having this awestruck fool's grin... Spend every waking hour with the girl who is capable of seeing to the core of me, know how I think and appreciate the thoughts I have, the girl whose own thoughts are ones that fascinate me, the girl whose stories I could listen to for hours, whose poems speak of a deeper truth, a reality that is more real than any other, and an inescapable honesty that just forces introspection in me. A woman who can describe a concept to me with a precision and insight that reveals not only her intelligence, but her intellect and wisdom at the same time. A person who has the power to soothe any uncertainty inside of me, either with a quick word, or a long discussion, without failing to hit the nail on the head, each time.

But the reality of the situation is that the decisions that we have made have been made for very good reasons, and while, ideally, this would not be the case, the fact of the matter remains that it is, and I can not change things. Only accept them... That doesn't mean it's all bad though, and yes, there is a huge silver lining here: "We have the opportunity to get to know each other better, to be the support that each of us needs, as life is a never-ending learning experience, we can serve as valued council for each other, provide insights from our own, widely differing frames of reference to each other. Be supportive of the growth that each of us expect from this life and mostly, be the company we sometimes find ourselves needing." I can't tell her how I feel right now, because that wouldn't be fair towards her. I can't do any of the things I want, because right now, her needs are more important, more real, more relevant. I left my heart with her, and that is where it will stay, I know that, I accept that, I even acknowledge that much...

So why did I write this post, you ask? Read the bold lettering, understand what I am saying and realize the importance that this girl has to me, the intensity of my feelings for her, the reality that she is everything that I ever wanted and will ever want and realize this; If you are ever lucky enough to find someone like that, someone who makes you feel the way that she makes me feel, then the single best advice that I can ever give anyone, the most important truth that exists... If it's worth having, it's worth doing whatever it takes to get it, patience and understanding, the ability to accept that which you cannot change, but to fight for what you can... To quote the best way this has ever been stated; "Hoe meer jy haar wil he, hoe minder is die kanse dat jy haar gaan verloor..."

Learning About Life Needs Practice

2011-01-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

So, time for another blog post... I have refrained from writing for the past few weeks because initially the topic would've sickened everyone and more recently, because I just didn't want to do many things. So then, finally, I think that I have something worth saying.
Where to begin; well, there is the whole concept of project CitiBoi, which will now replace my old blog, which was ITDudesBlog.
I will no longer be writing on that blog, and will, in future, focus all of my writing on this blog instead, in an attempt to unify the two and reduce the effort of maintaining two blogs, but also because the original concept of project CitiBoi has died a tragic death.
Now, for the part that is what I actually want to say; I recently have learnt alot more about my own self than I knew in past, and more specifically, I have been able to prove that the theoretical enlightenment that I thought I had attained, often times needed a real-world test before it could be considered, and in truth, I think I passed some, and failed some, but only realizing how I had failed in some of these ideals, through a good friend no less, did I realize what had needed tweaking in order to be viable wisdom.
I find myself considering these newly learnt lessons, and the updates to ones learnt of old quite often, I find myself more readily accepting "omens" and I find myself struggling with one or two, but overall, I have learnt alot more about things that I needed to learn alot more about.
Now, the things that I have said, should be a guide to those who consider themselves to be in a place where they are journeying through self-discovery, because often times we consider ourselves certain of a realization and that we won't make the same mistakes again, while in reality, the theory of how we should've coped is still flawed and requires testing, only after actually testing the theory can you know whether your coping mechanism will work or not. In short, I am wishing to share that small little bit of wisdom with you :)
That done, I am now going to wish all of you a fair day, and know that I will be writing again soon.

And The Winner Is (Part 1)

2010-12-10T03:56:00.000-08:00

Good evening, CitiBoi here, just thought I'd let you all know why the blog has died an entirely unexpected death. While the idea was brilliant, I failed to bring into account the reality of the situation that emotions can catch you completely off guard.
About four weeks ago in an entirely unexpected turn of events, I felt sad. Now, that sounds quite lame, but it's all part of the story, so either you read it or you don't, but I'm typing it all up anyway.
Like I said, sad, but not run of the mill under the weather, but true sadness, an emptiness inside me and the knowledge that something was missing. What makes this truly strange, however, is the fact that over the last four or five years I have been pretty much faking all of my emotions. I believed that I was feeling them for awhile, but the truth is that I haven't, I was numb and it was something that I had grown to accept. But on this Sunday night, I wasn't, the numbness went away, and was, instead, replaced by pain. Longing, sadness and heartache. And I rejoiced.
Now, that probably sounds crazy too, but it wasn't, it was epic, it was awesome, because once you realize how numb you are, you kind of miss the feelings that you once had, the emotions like joy and happiness, which were worth the occasional sadness. So yes, I was ecstatic. Got in my car and drove to my favorite lookout point in Jozi where I could sit and look out at all the lights, marvel at their beauty and reflect on what was going on in my life. It is at this point when I realized something else, something that in it's effects, would end Project CitiBoi.
I had been talking to a lady, one of the 'contestants' in the project, for sometime at this point, we have shared deep thoughts and excellent conversations, but I was never too sure about certain aspects of her, and had not actually been on a date with her yet. Her name; HottieMcLonglegs.
So, then everything changed, because in that moment, sitting and looking at the world below me, I started talking to her again, we chatted for a few hours and she made me decide something there and then. I wanted to know more about this girl, I wanted to get to know her, everything about her... I started falling in love with a girl who has come to prove to me that not only is everything that I have ever thought that I want in a companion, but she is oh so much more...

That Concludes Part One of the post, please stay tuned for the updates...

Hmmm... Tralalalala Cling Cling!!!

2010-12-08T00:47:00.000-08:00

All that I can say, is WOW! These past few weeks, I have been seeing someone new, and despite all my romantic speculations and thoughts over the years, I have never experience emotions at the level that I am now.
I would like to point out at this point, that I am quite fond of mocking those couples who are all "lovey-dovey" and act like the world is all sunshine and roses and crap. But recently I have come to experience that level of attachment, and quite honestly, I don't care what people on the outside think, say or do. In my opinion, you cannot speak until you have felt what I feel and so I say boo to you sir, boo to you.

Having finally found someone with whom spending the rest of my life doesn't seem scary, or overly optimistic, someone who through the mere act of sending an SMS can brighten my entire day, someone who's smile can singlehandedly make me forget about anything that I currently have going on, I can finally say this is why we exist, this is what we are on this planet for and this is why I love my life :)

My friends may tire of my waxing lyrical regarding her, my colleagues as well, but the fact of the matter is that I am in-love, and very deeply so. I read Shakespeare and finally understand what the bard had meant to say, I read Wilde and finally get what he couldn't. I wake up at three in the morning with a smile on my face because of a dream I had just had about her, and rather than fall back asleep, I lie in bed contemplating the dream and the face that has made my day, though early, just that much better.

We love the same kind of things, and instead of fighting our urges, succumb to our innermost desires of freedom and spontaneity. We think similar thoughts and arrive at similar outcomes merely by being similar in our thinking, but have such vastly different experience frameworks, that we never run out of things to talk about.

And when I think about how I feel about her, I can honestly say that I have no words to describe it. I cannot describe my feelings because all the usual words seem hollow and empty by comparison. I cannot help but marvel at the depth that she has, the way that she views the world and how we see the beauty in what others deem everyday things.

In a few short weeks, she has brought me back from the brink of cynicism and made me back into a believer. Every feeling that I have had in the entirety of my 25 years on this planet suddenly seems like nothing more than a mere drop in the ocean of what I am now experiencing.

Longing, real longing has become part of my day, and I relish it, because while the longing is in and of itself the worst part of my day, knowing what it is and who I am missing, makes it worthwhile. I am consumed by a burning passion, not merely physical, but deeply emotional. I am seeing more beauty and more of how we compliment each other with each day that passes.

A good example is terms of endearment. And how I had to find one to attempt to capture her personality, all of the usual suspects just couldn't come close, so I had to dig deep and come up with one of my own, one which she knows, and I know, and no-one else will ever understand, and I went with Spatzi, with the meaning understood clearly by only us.

Basically this post is a rant, and one that I needed to perform. I needed to yell out to the world how I feel, because it is what fills me :)
Sorry if you didn't enjoy this post, but honestly, I don't care, it was done for me :)

Weekend 1

2010-11-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

This past weekend gave CitiBoi the opportunity to go out on a social level with one of the lovely ladies in our secret competition for his heart. Having been friends with BrokenBetty for quite some time now, CitiBoi went out with a group of friends, including her, on Friday night.
While it was definitely in a social, rather than romantic context, the evening was uber-fun, and ended up with CitiBoi getting home well into Saturday morning, after the bar closing forced their retreat. And while it was within a social context, CitiBoi came out with a slight feeling of hopefulness for a future alteration in the nature of their relationship, as well as the knowledge that a night of awesome always beats an evening of tedium.
CitiBoi maintains that nothing of any real interrest actually transpired, since a previous memorandum still hangs over his head regarding BrokenBetty, he did gain additional insights into the workings of her mind which lead him to the conclusion that she is still the first place first prize in his eyes. Bad luck for the other girls it would seem. Also, after reading his mail, I had to send a reply as we need a little more detail and more eventful evenings if this project is going to go anywhere.
Specifically on the topic of BrokenBetty, CitiBoi is wary of revealing too much detail in the blogs, as the current nature of their relationship would not preclude her reading the blog, and might just end up causing a game-over situation. But stay posted. We will find a way.

The List 0.9a

2010-11-08T04:39:00.000-08:00

It was brought to CitiBoi's attention last night that he should publish a list of what exactly it is that he is looking for in a lady. Thanks Mo Do. So here follows a reasonably comprehensive list of requirements against which each lady will be tested:

1.Attractiveness, yes, no dogs, sounds selfish but really isn't. The fact of the matter is that we aren't looking for swedish swimwear models here, but also, CitiBoi doesn't want to spend time with someone who isn't at least nice to look at.
2.Intelligence, CitiBoi wants someone who is capable of holding her own in a conversation, able to call him on the crap he sometimes pulls and at least have some form of education.
3.Intellectualism, not the same as intelligence, CitiBoi's ideal mate should also be interrested in the world around her and how it works to at least a novice agree. Not just be a sheep who follows the flock but someone who is capable of forming an independent though every once in awhile.
4.Own Car, and no, this is not elitist, CitiBoi is tired of having to drive all over town after girlfriends, he needs one who is occasionally able to spend time with him at his awesome bachelor pad without having to collect and return.
5.CanHasJob, because otherwise, where would the relationship ultimately be heading? There needs to be at least some form of career in place.
6.Sense of Humor, while most people think that they have a sense of humor, and most chicks seem to think themselves hip with the latest crazes, CitiBoi has a very well developed sense of humor which is hard for some to get. Think highly intelligent yet quite blatantly cruel. If you digg Cyanide and Happiness, CTRL+ALT+DEL, The Oatmeal and Hipster Hitler then you might just be getting it. For extra credit, an enjoyment of the fine art that is White Ninja will count in her favor. The most important, however, is xkcd:, if you don't get it, you won't get CitiBoi

Now I have to decode CitiBoi's email and try and write a report of the time he spent around BrokenBetty during the course of the past weekend. Have a good one.

Introducing Project CitiBoi

2010-11-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

I present to you, Project: CitiBoi. This project will take quite awhile to complete, and some of the contenders won't theoretically know that they are involved for the most part. But in it's essence, here comes a very fun game to play, and you can all take part in it.
I was talking with CitiBoi and we were discussing a very complex issue related to dating. What we both found was that we tend to get into relationships in very similar ways. Essentially, we are enjoying the single life and our awesome bachelorhood, until we find ourselves regularly spending time with three or four specific women, non-exclusively. It is at this point, normally, when we end up dating one of these ladies, and then essentially lose contact with the other ones. Now, the problem is, that we generally find that the ones we "chose", through subconscious decision making and pheromone compatibility, tend to be the wrong ones, as we are both still single after having gone through this scenario several times in our lives. And we figured that there has to be some mechanism for getting group participation on our decision making process and thereby allow for communal wisdom to help us in deciding which of the eligible ladies we should end up with. And this is how the idea came into being. CitiBoi (who will remain anonymous throughout the duration of this experiment/reality show/marketing drive), will continue to spend time with the various females in his dating pool, and might add or remove specific candidates throughout the duration of the project as circumstances change. All the while documenting the progress and experience and allowing your comments to assist him in making his final decision if and when the time comes. While some might see this as perverse, shallow and/or degrading, that is not the spirit in which it is intended. It is merely a publicized account of how romantic relationships seem to form in our lives with the addition of public opinion counting slightly more than in normal cases. It is about having fun, learning about ourselves and giving you, the viewer/participant an entertaining way in which to monitor the developements.
None of the female contenders aware of the events per se. Each only aware that they are involved in CitiBoi's life.
Let me make this clear, CitiBoi will not reveal either his or any of the contenders' true identity at any stage during the experiment, and in no way insinuates that he will do so at the conclusion. Further that, there are some ground rules. I myself am not privy to the ladies' true identities, asCitiBoi seems to believe that I am both incapable of keeping a secret and also unable to resist complicating the experiment by nefarious means (He seems to think that I might make the moves on them myself, though he also maintains that I do not know any of the ladies.) None of the girls are at any stage informed of their participation of the experiment. Also, CitiBoi will not lie to any of the girls in order to make them believe that they are in an exclusive relationship whatsoever. At the end of this experiment, CitiBoi walks off into the sunset with the best possible mate, voted for by you, the viewer/participant.
CitiBoi will also not be using his own blog, but rather will have access to mine under my personal supervision. He will in no way market the experiment, as this might reveal his true identity.
Now, let the games begin. I introduce to you the first four contenders:
1.)HottieMcLonglegs
She is a very attractive, yet slightly tall young professional who CitiBoi met through work. What attracts CitiBoi to her is her depth of character and the interesting and intelligent way in which she views the world. While she has a dark streak, she is, overall, quite a fluffy kind of person, and has managed to make CitiBoi smile on those dark sad days that we all have sometimes.
2.)Nerdgirl
Don't let the nickname fool you, Nerdgirl is a very intelligent girl, who also happens to be very attractive and fun to hang out with. CitiBoi met her earlier this year and has been on a date with her. He believes that there could be something there and that it's her intellect and need to learn that most attracts him to her.
3.)BlondCarrie
Now this girl is a fun loving and always optimistic lady who CitiBoi met quite a few years ago. She is well spoken and while not an intellectual, does manage to make some good points and have original thoughts that interrest CitiBoi. She is the only one of the contenders who actually lives in the same city as CitiBoi and despite the fact that this sounds like the most likely winner, CitiBoimost likely has the least chance with this particular lady.
4.)BrokenBetty
Now CitiBoi has known BrokenBetty the longest of all the contenders, and despite his having tried to win her over before unsuccessfully, firmly believes that there is a fighting chance that he may win her heart this time around. And since it makes for good reading, I figured that it might be fun to include her, who knows, maybe some advice from the public might just put him on the right path here.

So, that concludes the introductions. Now, please share this concept with everyone that you know, let's get some public participation going.

Project CitiBoi - The Idea

2010-11-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, after an interesting conversation with a close friend, we have decided to attempt an experiment in social media marketing. A fresh take on a fairly new concept and a reasonably fun way to make a complex decision.
I present to you, Project: CitiBoi. This project will take quite awhile to complete, and some of the contenders won't theoretically know that they are involved for the most part. But in it's essence, here comes a very fun game to play, and you can all take part in it.
I was talking with CitiBoi and we were discussing a very complex issue related to dating. What we both found was that we tend to get into relationships in very similar ways. Essentially, we are enjoying the single life and our awesome bachelorhood, until we find ourselves regularly spending time with three or four specific women, non-exclusively. It is at this point, normally, when we end up dating one of these ladies, and then essentially lose contact with the other ones. Now, the problem is, that we generally find that the ones we "chose", through subconscious decision making and pheromone compatibility, tend to be the wrong ones, as we are both still single after having gone through this scenario several times in our lives. And we figured that there has to be some mechanism for getting group participation on our decision making process and thereby allow for communal wisdom to help us in deciding which of the eligible ladies we should end up with. And this is how the idea came into being. CitiBoi (who will remain anonymous throughout the duration of this experiment/reality show/marketing drive), will continue to spend time with the various females in his dating pool, and might add or remove specific candidates throughout the duration of the project as circumstances change. All the while documenting the progress and experience and allowing your comments to assist him in making his final decision if and when the time comes. While some might see this as perverse, shallow and/or degrading, that is not the spirit in which it is intended. It is merely a publicized account of how romantic relationships seem to form in our lives with the addition of public opinion counting slightly more than in normal cases. It is about having fun, learning about ourselves and giving you, the viewer/participant an entertaining way in which to monitor the developements.
None of the female contenders aware of the events per se. Each only aware that they are involved in CitiBoi's life.
Let me make this clear, CitiBoi will not reveal either his or any of the contenders' true identity at any stage during the experiment, and in no way insinuates that he will do so at the conclusion. Further that, there are some ground rules. I myself am not privy to the ladies' true identities, as CitiBoi seems to believe that I am both incapable of keeping a secret and also unable to resist complicating the experiment by nefarious means (He seems to think that I might make the moves on them myself, though he also maintains that I do not know any of the ladies.) None of the girls are at any stage informed of their participation of the experiment. Also, CitiBoi will not lie to any of the girls in order to make them believe that they are in an exclusive relationship whatsoever. At the end of this experiment, CitiBoi walks off into the sunset with the best possible mate, voted for by you, the viewer/participant.
CitiBoi will also not be using his own blog, but rather will have access to mine under my personal supervision. He will in no way market the experiment, as this might reveal his true identity.
Now, let the games begin. I introduce to you the first four contenders:
1.)HottieMcLonglegs
She is a very attractive, yet slightly tall young professional who CitiBoi met through work. What attracts CitiBoi to her is her depth of character and the interesting and intelligent way in which she views the world. While she has a dark streak, she is, overall, quite a fluffy kind of person, and has managed to make CitiBoi smile on those dark sad days that we all have sometimes.
2.)Nerdgirl
Don't let the nickname fool you, Nerdgirl is a very intelligent girl, who also happens to be very attractive and fun to hang out with. CitiBoi met her earlier this year and has been on a date with her. He believes that there could be something there and that it's her intellect and need to learn that most attracts him to her.
3.)BlondCarrie
Now this girl is a fun loving and always optimistic lady who CitiBoi met quite a few years ago. She is well spoken and while not an intellectual, does manage to make some good points and have original thoughts that interrest CitiBoi. She is the only one of the contenders who actually lives in the same city as CitiBoi and despite the fact that this sounds like the most likely winner, CitiBoi most likely has the least chance with this particular lady.
4.)BrokenBetty
Now CitiBoi has known BrokenBetty the longest of all the contenders, and despite his having tried to win her over before unsuccessfully, firmly believes that there is a fighting chance that he may win her heart this time around. And since it makes for good reading, I figured that it might be fun to include her, who knows, maybe some advice from the public might just put him on the right path here.

So, that concludes the introductions. Now, please share this concept with everyone that you know, let's get some public participation going.

Just added CitiBoi blog, it's: http://projectcitiboi.blogspot.com/

Will add Twitter and FB soon.

And on a lighter note...

2010-11-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, back to the office for some well deserved rest, that's me. So, for those who aren't aware, life took an interesting turn towards chaotic recently, when we kicked off the recently departed weekend by hosting a small LAN at the office, attended by a few friends. Turns out it was quite a fun way to spend a few hours while the womenfolk went to go and ogle Daughtry at the conveniently located down the street Northgate dome.
Little did I know that this was to be the extent of relaxational vibes to be sent my way for a few days.
Turns out, my baby brother, who also went to go see Daughtry on the past Friday evening, managed somehow to get himself infected with Ensephilitis on the eve of my mother's business trip to Switzerland. The result; chaos. To top this off, longtime best friend and confidant, Linkie, managed to put off her moving into a new place until the last minute (no surprise there), necessitating an emergency intervention on my part in order to facilitate said move using my mad car owning skills and answering to my built-in damsel in distress radar.
Now, since things have finally calmed down, I realized that I have not had much sleep in the preceeding five days, almost causing me to oversleep today, and be late for work... Lame... But not the point.
The point is, that in between all the crazy, I somehow managed to miss the biggest news of the week, and no, not that NASA might actually just be launching the Discovery Shuttle mission tomorrow night after all, but rather that our favorite young politico, JUJU, managed to make himself look even stooopider than ever before. It would appear that the young man has somehow decided that he is going to go up against the global super power what are Twitter, and manage to "close them down"... Bwahahaha!!! Now, what made this truly awesome, was the calls from other Twitter users, who came up with the idea of "Today is Create a fake Juju account day", and the results were hilarious. The question here, however, is this. Why did I miss it? So much fun could have been had, but, alas, none for me :(
Anyway, just thought I'd commit this thought to the great internet memory machine, lest it becomes a forgotten part of our awesome political history...
Good times yo....

Something I need to say

2010-10-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

I started this as a poem on the 26th of October 2010, as a reflection of the emptiness and abandonment I felt in the wake of someone who used to be my closest friend who decided that she no longer saw my friendship as viable. The first draft was completed on the following day, 27th of October, and now I leave it for a week or so, letting the ideas solidify in my mind and giving my head some fresh perspective and insight before I do my first revision. For now, this is a collection of ideas and not even remotely close to a completed work, and I will be continuing to work on it for several more weeks, but the words need to be said, and since this is my only forum, read it and comment... It is mostly in the format of a letter to this person who left me.

I used to know the sound of your smile, the colour of your laughter and the texture of your closeness. I used to be able to tell you everything, without censor, without fear, without judgement, holding back nothing, hiding nothing, completely open and honest. I used to be able to be myself only when I was around you, and only when no-one else was close enough to see, hear or know, but you took that away from me when I needed it most, when my life came crumbling down, you ran away, taking with you the solace, comfort and love that I needed to see me through one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. When I needed diversion, something or someone to take my mind off the things that were happening in my life, or your optimistic happiness, your undeniable fearlessness, you decided that I was no longer worthy of your friendship. I needed your ears to scream in, your shoulder to cry on and your soothing words to still the anger, fear, insecurity I felt, to soothe my breaking heart.
I resolved to go it alone, to build a new life, and as I poured the foundations of this new life, I needed your opinions, your conviction and your faith. But since you weren't there, I had to find my own, and learn to trust in my own abilities and judgement, to struggle my way forward through the darkness until I had something to build on.
When I needed to erect the walls of this new life, to lay the bricks one atop the other, it was through my sweat, my toil, my arduous labor that I did it, not with the help of those who were my friends, because you took them with you. When I tried to fix things between us, you refused to hear my side of what happened and why, so I finally gave up, and in the process, I discovered what friendship means, and who really were my friends.
When I started to build the roof of my new life, and needed the comfort of your proximity to help keep up the trusses, your insight and your ever-present smile to be the nails that held the trusses together, I learnt that I could never rely on you again. And without you, found a way to keep things from falling apart.
Now that my life has been rebuilt, I have resolved to keep weeding the garden, ensuring that false friends with empty promises never again infect my life. But as a result of your betrayal, I can't grow new flowers, find new friends, because I cannot trust them. For years I had walked a fine line, trying not to fall to the disastrous depths of cynicism, but despite my attempts, it turns out all that was keeping me on the tightrope was you, and when you failed me, nothing held me back.
Because of you, I will probably never trust anyone again, and while I manage a good job of hiding it from most people, I know what damage has been done, and that I will never be the same again.
I do not hate you, I do not blame you. You acted out of self-interest, while you hid it behind "protecting your friends". Well, I am lucky that I no longer count me among their number. I have seen you for who you are, and now that I have, I have moved on. I managed to rebuild my life now, and while my little house might not be the building it once was, but it's my life, and I count myself lucky. There are people that I can rely on, and people that I need in my life. These people are the people who saw through all my bullshit, and knew the real me from the beginning, the people that I needed from the start. My experiences with you were an expensive lesson in life, but one that I am glad to now say that I have made my own.
For those who stuck around, and helped me find out who my true friends are, thank you. You are who I needed all along. And for those who think they know me, good luck, the bridge has been drawn and one of the things that I have learnt, thanks to you, is that second chances, don't exist.

Well, that's me, done venting for now, I really needed to get that out.

Gareth Cliff's Letter To Government

2010-10-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Government
12th October, 2010
Dear Government

OK, I get it, the President isn't the only one in charge. The ANC believes in "collective responsibility" (So that nobody has to get blamed when things get screwed up), so I address this to everyone in government - the whole lot of you - good, bad and ugly (That's you, Blade).

We were all so pleased with your renewed promises to deliver services (we'll forgive the fact that in some places people are worse off than in 1994); to root out corruption (so far your record is worse than under Mbeki, Mandela or the Apartheid regime - what with family members becoming overnight millionaires); and build infrastructure (State tenders going disgustingly awry and pretty stadia standing empty notwithstanding) - and with the good job you did when FIFA were telling you what to do for a few months this year. Give yourselves half a pat on the back. Since President Sepp went off with his billions I'm afraid we have less to be proud of - Public Servants Strikes, more Presidential bastard children, increasing unemployment and a lack of leadership that allowed the Unions to make the elected government it's bitch. You should be more than a little worried - but you're not. Hence my letter. Here are some things that might have passed you by:

1. You have to stop corruption. Don't stop it because rich people moan about it and because it makes poor people feel that you are self-enriching parasites of state resources, but because it is a disease that will kill us all. It's simple - there is only so much money left to be plundered. When that money runs out, the plunderers will raise taxes, chase and drain all the remaining cash out of the country and be left with nothing but the rotting remains of what could have been the greatest success story of post-colonial Africa. It's called corruption because it decomposes the fabric of society. When someone is found guilty of corruption, don't go near them - it's catchy. Making yourself rich at the country's expense is what colonialists do.

2. Stop complaining about the media. You're only complaining about them because they show you up for how little you really do or care. If you were trying really hard, and you didn't drive the most expensive car in the land, or have a nephew who suddenly went from modesty to ostentatious opulence, we'd have only positive things to report. Think of Jay Naidoo, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Zwelinzima Vavi - they come under a lot of fire, but it's never embarrassing - always about their ideas, their positions, and is perfectly acceptable criticism for people in power to put up with. When the media go after Blade Nzimande, Siphiwe Nyanda and the President, they say we need a new piece of legislation to "make the media responsible". That's because they're being humiliated by the facts we uncover about them daily, not because there is an agenda in some newsroom. If there had been a free press during the reigns of Henry VIII, Idi Amin or Hitler, their regimes might just have been kept a little less destructive, and certainly would have been less brazen and unchecked.

3. Education is a disaster. We're the least literate and numerate country in Africa. Zimbabwe produces better school results and turns out smarter kids than we do. Our youth aren't usemployed, they're unemployable. Outcomes-based-education, Teachers' Unions and an attitude of mediocrity that discourages excellence have reduced us to a laughing stock. Our learners can't spell, read, add or subtract. What are all these people going to do? Become President? There's only one job like that. We need clever people, not average or stupid ones. the failure of the Education Department happened under your watch. Someone who writes Matric now hadn't even started school under the Apartheid regime, so you cannot blame anyone but yourselves for this colossal cock-up. Fix it before three-quarters of our matrics end up begging on Oxford Road. Reward schools and teachers who deliver great pass rates and clever students into the system. Fire the teachers who march and neglect their classrooms.

4. Give up on BEE. It isn't working. Free shares for new black partnerships in old white companies has made everyone poorer except for Tokyo Sexwale. Giving people control of existing business won't make more jobs either. In fact, big companies aren't growing, they're reducing staff and costs. The key is entrepreneurship. People with initiative, creative ideas and small companies must be given tax breaks and assistance. Young black professionals must be encouraged to start their own businesses rather than join a big corporation's board as their token black shareholder or director. Government must also stop thinking that state employment is a way to decrease unemployment - it isn't - it's a tax burden. India and China are churning out new, brilliant, qualified people at a rate that makes us look like losers. South Africa has a proud history of innovation, pioneering and genius. This is the only way we can advance our society and economy beyond merely coping.

5. Stop squabbling over power. Offices are not there for you to occupy (or be deployed to) and aggrandize yourself. Offices in government are there to provide a service. If you think outrageous salaries, big German cars, first-class travel and state housing are the reasons to aspire to leadership, you're in the wrong business - you should be working for a dysfunctional, tumbledown parastatal (or Glenn Agliotti). We don't care who the Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces is if we don't have running water, electricity, schools and clean streets. You work for us. Do your job, don't imagine you ARE your job.

6. Stop renaming things. Build new things to name. If I live in a street down which the sewage runs, I don't care if it's called Hans Strijdom or Malibongwe. Calling it something nice and new won't make it smell nice and new. Re-branding is something Cell C do with Trevor Noah, not something you can whitewash your lack of delivery with.

7. Don't think you'll be in power forever. People aren't as stupid as you think we are. We know you sit around laughing about how much you get away with. We'll take you down, either at the polls - or if it comes down to the wire - by revolution (Yes, Julius, the real kind, not the one you imagine happened in 2008). Careless, wasteful and wanton government is a thing of the past. The days of thin propaganda and idealized struggle are over. The people put you in power - they will take you out of it. Africa is tired of tin-pot dictators, one-party states and banana republics. We know who we are now, we care about our future - and so should you.

Gareth Cliff

Hosting, Servers and life's other big Questions...

2010-10-20T03:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, how much I have learnt in the last two weeks. Having successfully deployed my first live webserver last week, meant that before I could get even close to the result, I had to learn alot about how webservers work, how host headers work, what virtual directories are, and mostly, how DNS Zones work and propagate and what TTL means for live environments. This wasn't a quick thing either, it involved alot of google, alot of effort and most visibly, a heck of alot of swearing on my part.
Now, once I finally got the server to run it's various websites (and quite well at that), I got to a point where I needed a form of management software, and after doing some research, I got to two usable options, nl. PLESK and cPANEL. Both are quite good and provide the features that I need, but in my opinion, their pricing is way over what a SME can realistically afford, with the cheaper of the two, PLESK, coming in at R11,257.00 once off, without version updates. Now explaining to the boss that while it is alot of money to layout for software that won't directly influence the business, I can make that money back within a year, and after that, profit at least R12000.00 a year just by the savings to the company alone, ignoring the implementation of client hosting that can generate even more additional revenue.

Now that I have shared that little titbit of information relating to why my work has been keeping me busy, let us consider the actual reason for this post. Relationships, more specifically, love and happiness. Do they actually exist?

To answer that question, I will take a two tiered approach, covering both logical arguments and then summarize my personal view on the matter in closing.

1.) Love and Happiness, an intellectual argument:
I do not believe that love, or at least, the feeling of love, is a real stimulus, but rather the product of neurochemistry whereby a certain chemical stimulus (hormones) generate a counter response, ie. the release of brain chemicals (endorphins, etc.)which emulate a certain "emotional feeling", an abstract concept that we attach to these phenomena, but which in reality are nothing more than subtle chemical changes within our brains. Possibly, it could be argued that this is an evolved ability in order to force a level of attachment which would accommodate the mating practice in the human species, this however, still points towards the feeling of love to be a perception, and not a true feeling, it can thus be argued that the response should, logically, be ignored, and only acted upon should you be able to logically justify the course of action that has caused the changes in your brain.
Happiness on the other hand, is a far more complex topic to tackle. The feeling of happiness, also a simple neurochemical reaction, is, in fact, also an abstract concept, but finding "happiness" is much harder than finding "love" as "love" is by it's very definition hard to quantify and measure, so much so, that asking questions like why and how become moot. But with happiness, there comes the added compllication of it's being both quantifiable, and non-real. It is my firm belief that happiness is the result of lower IQ's or very little intellectual interest in the world at large. I qualify my argument in that of the various MENSA members who I am acquainted with none profess to be happy. Now I would specify that happiness as an overall feeling is what I am referring to and not specific happiness such as the emotional response to a victory at work etc. Whereas the people that I know to openly declare their happiness have, on average, an IQ in the high 90s to low 100s. Meaning, per se, that it is true that only a fool can be happy, this however, begs the question of why intellectuals are not happy, and the answer, is very simple. Intellectualism in it's nature calls for the questioning of everything, and once you understand something, finding happiness becomes impossible as the pure science behind the occurrence blocks any of the "magic" that it holds for the unintellectual, and therefor cannot cause the feeling of happiness that they experience.

2)An emotional response, flawed in it's very nature.
Now, while I list this answer to the original question as a "different side of the coin" alternative, it actually ties in perfectly and needs to be understood in order for the purely intellectual analysis to hold true.
In essence, our clinging to the belief in the existence of abstract concepts such as love and happiness is deeply rooted in our psyche, the need to belong, the need to find fulfillment and the need to believe in a better now than the current now (This has more to do with the abstract concept of linear time and would require a whole discussion at a later stage). Emotional responses are in and of themselves mere products of chemistry without rational thought, and should logically be discarded as ill suited, but in the nature of our being, our emotions form a substantial part of who we are, and the way in which we deal with them shapes the outcome of our decisions far more greatly than most people would consider. But for the purposes of this answer, our emotional belief in love and happiness is what provides our greatest drive in life, and as such, should be considered real only in that it mtoivates us to do the things that we need to do in order to survive in modern society, and for that reason alone, we should consider the existence of love and happiness as real phenomena and not logically reason them out of existence.

Now you should begin to see, assuming that I am in any remote way capable of verbalising my thoughts, that while both arguments seem mutually exclusive in their nature, they also compliment each other, and cannot be isolated.

What a hectic weekend...

2010-09-29T01:31:00.000-07:00

I am writing this between all the other piles of work that I have lying on my desk at the moment, so I apologize for the brevity of the post, just realized that it's been months since I last posted and am hoping to stimulate a post by Lee...

I have been having a fairly hectic few months, and things are starting to clear up, now dating a new girl, moving into a bigger place (which I am actually in the process of painting pre-move), waiting on SARS to pay out what they owe me and attempting to figure out a situation at home. All the while maintaining my level of workmanship and excellence, and trying to make time to straighten my hair...

Now firstly, having had to go into SARS to register for income tax as they have lost both my applications thus far, I realized something about goverment service qeues, namely, that it seems like an eternity passes before you reach the front of the qeue that is only four people long. And my observation of the phenomena is this: The perceived lack of speed in a government service qeue is, in fact, an illusion. It is caused by the fact that there are at least twenty people behind the counter, of which roughly only two know how to perform the job, the balance making up the management of the department as per government money wasting guidelines. So the perception of slow progress by 20 people, is in fact a superhuman feat of juggling and ability by the only two people actually qualified to perform the job.

So, Friday is tha start of Rage, the biggest event in South African IT each year, and I shall be attending in my capacity as an ICT consultant. So there goes my Friday.

Then it's Pride on Saturday, which I shall be attending with various of my colleagues and my housemates, in support of the lifestyle, but mostly because it's a jol and I think it'll be epic fun.

And finally, on Sunday, we will be going to Sexpo, so as to broaden our horizons (and possibly see boobs)...

All in all, things are looking busy for this weekend, especially when you add on top of that the fact that I have to still finish painting my new place and move in by Friday... So things are rough, but at least a fun kind...

Day 1: I Will Knock Your F#@&!ng Head Off!!!

2010-07-15T04:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, at aproximately 23h00 I got it into my head that quiting smoking would be an excellent idea, in fact, not only smoking, but a few of my other vices as well, since we're doing this anyway, might as well rip the band-aid off in one go right...
Well, I am sitting at my desk, in a smoking office where I am now the only non-smoker, with my bottle of fresh fruit juice and a pack of cookies to help with the oral fixation, and typing across multiple screens in order to keep my hands busy, argh!!! And if one more person congratulates me I am going to commit murder...
Just thought I'd share that for now, stay posted, as my temper stabilizes and my body gets used to no longer receiving it's nicotine fix I might just be able to keep you updated as to how it's going...
Quiting, is for quitters, and while I have never thought of myself as a quitter, maybe it's time I became one...

Danger, here be dragons!!!

2010-07-13T03:55:00.000-07:00

I find that the old cartography habit of denoting dangerous and/or unexplored areas with the phrase; "Here Be Dragons" is oddly fitting within the context of my rant for the day.

The subject: WOMENFOLK!!! ARGH!!! DESPAIR!!! (And yes, they all are the one and same thing.

So, what valuable insight I have been able to glean over the past weekend is simply that girls take affront to your declaration of love if you follow it up by hitting on other females, despite their verbal assurances that they do not share your interest.

Now, as a dude, I am fully able to appreciate the subtle differences that exist between emotional and purely physical relationships, and further that, find that when your emotional needs aren't necessarily being met (in my example, I am single, and have been for some time) you can substitute a physical relationship in order to reduce the heartache and feelings of emptiness...

Well, apparently this is not acceptable, as the two major incidents in the past few months have illustrated. Simply said, the first time I made this mistake, I lost a good friend. The second time however is the one that I am actually still reeling from, as this is a more complicated situation.

My major question, however, is this; If I told a girl that I have feelings for her, and would like to persue these feelings within the context of a romantic relationship, and she then makes it apparent that she does not share these feelings, and I end up hooking up with another girl two weeks later, how is this in any way my fault?

Well, since I cannot expect all females to be as enlightened as to the major differences between men and women, I will in future not act the same way, and further that, will not give up on the last girl (The first one no longer holds any appeal for me), which means, that now it's time for me to actually start acting more like a girl in my actions in future, with specific importance being given to the matter of persuing physical relationships in order to satisfy emotional needs... Argh!!!

So my next question, if a girl admits that she lied earlier, and actually has feelings for me, but is unwilling to perue them as a mutual female friend has declared her feelings towards myself, making it hard to do so, would it be the correct course of action to alter my lifestyle and patiently wait until said third party finds a new mate freeing up the current alleged situation and allowing the first party to now persue a romantic relatioinship with the second (ie. Myself)?

Or was that simply meant as a slight encouragement to seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere? Please do contribute and share your opinions and views on the matter, as I am unable to see any course of action other than that which I explained in the previous paragraph....

A quick essay on why I hate Sandton despite the awesomeness that it contains...

2010-05-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, for those of you who do not get to go to Sandton too often (I am specifically referring to the CBD), they are busy with a project to 'move' Sandton City.
This conjures up images of the mega movers loading the towering building on the back of huge mover trucks and hauling the whole thing through the congested streets, but alas, they are just breaking down sections of the parkade and building a newer more compact version. This, however, causes that huge building equipment sits in the single lanes that traverse the area, forcing traffic to a standstill and rendering your shiny Garmin all but useless...
To top this all, one of the primary arteries, Rivonia road, is all but blocked off, and furthermore suffers from an out of service traffic light on Katherine, which further diminishes your chances of actually getting anywhere...
I just needed to vent a little, why can't the JMPD move some of the idiots that sit and trap unwary motorists who are driving like maniacs because they are late due to the traffic issues, and have them assist by playing poinstman at these intersections...

Bloody hell... The world needs change...

2010-05-17T05:12:00.000-07:00

So, following my mostly optimistic views on this country last week, my belief in the basic good of humanity was once again put to the test, and once again, it would appear that people suck...

I was doing a delivery for a client in Middelburg, and was held, at gunpoint, so that the idiot could abscond with two laptops worth about 10K... Friggin fool, I have now suffered three armed robberies in my 25 years in this country, and can quite confidently say that racism isn't necessarily a bad idea anymore. Why do I say this? Well it's simple, the demographic in this country poses that in all I should have suffered crime under at least more than one ethnic group by now, and the sad fact is, that of the 7 odd criminals that I was able to identify in cases where I was the victim, all of them were black males... Being a mathematically inclined person, it is therefore my assumption that based on my experience pool, 100% of criminals are black, and 100% of victims are white, this is factually accurate as an extrapolation of my experience, and fair in that I have a wide enough field of experience to fairly judge the situation as I did...

Just a thought...

And another statement of a semi-political nature...

2010-05-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

Good day

It has been awhile since my last post, mostly the reason for this has been my involvement with various organizations relating to the content of my last post, but also due to some really hectic developements in my personal life. But now is the time to speak out once more, and have my voice heard by some at least moderately intelligent people and possibly get some feedback on the thoughts that are bothering me at present.

1.) My car
Recently, having decided that the issue that I am having with my car is not something that I can correct, I proceeded to organize getting my little red MX-5 (Previously known as Rooikappie) towed to my mechanic in Roodepoort. Unfortunately the towing hitch broke at the second stop and my car collided with my boss' car causing substantial damage to the bodywork on my little car and leaving some paint scrapings on my boss' Audi. I proceeded to phone my insurance and they then had it towed on a flatbed to a Mazda approved auto body specialist where I had not only the accident damage repaired, but also the scrapes and bumps that result over time on any car. To top this off, I also had her resprayed to her factory original Red and in the process now had a beautiful car that didn't run... After almost two months of waiting for the car to be finished at the panelbeaters. Now, since she has essentially gone a dramatic renovation with regards to her exterior, it seemed only natural that she shouls receive a new name, and this is how she came to be known as Akane (A japanese word for madder, referring to red). Now, after spending a small fortune on the aesthetic restoration of my prized little beast, I had her towed to my mechanic who has been working on her for the last two weeks now, and will probably have her ready and running in another few days. The cost of this project totals rougthly R16000.00 so far and I am hoping that no further inflations occur, as this is already placing a huge strain on my budget. The next steps include a total change of the interior, including the re-upholstering of the seats and replacing the carpeting along with hundreds of little customizations in order to not only modernize the interior, but to prove that even a 16-year old sports car can still be comfortable.

2.)My sickly parents
Due to various reasons, both my parents and my youngest brother spent time in hospital last week, all for different reasons, but all seems back to normal.

3.)Various drama
Then there is a really long list of other issues that occured in the last month or so, from friends running off and disappearing to 21-year old traditions failing due to lack of interrest. Tragically, there will be no C-kamp this year. Which breaks the hearts of each person who has ever been involved, but a charity organization of the scale we need cannot exist with only three actual members, and as such, we are starting the entire organization from scratch in the hopes of being able to resume the project from next year onwards.

4.)Aeroplanes and computers
Work has been hectic as we are preparing for our second anual Airshow in Middelburg which will be hapenning over the coming weekend, we have been working ceaselessly in order to provide the marketing and backbone support for the event, as well as preparing ourselves for what promises to be the Airshow of the year. Resulting in long hours at work, triple workloads and sleepless nights, all of which will be over by Sunday...

5.)Political activism
Since I am a reasonably politically neutral person, but the fact of the matter is that standing by idly as your country is run aground by self-entitled amateurs solves nothing, so getting activated and running preparedness scenarios with various activistic organizations has become something of a staple in my free time. Split between guest-lecturing at some survivalist events and attending self-improvement seminars along the lines of; "What to do when zombies/ANCYL/US Marines attack" and the like, I have learnt a new appreciation for the concept of group panic and the huge impact that fear has on certain people.

So, in short, I have been busy enough to justify not saying much, and now, I want to say something. It has been 16-years now, democracy is something that takes time to implement, and our truly unique parliament hasn't even begun to see maturity and will not for the next few decades yet, but this is something great that we are attempting, and I honestly believe that if we look past the glaring faults of the current reigning generation, we can see positive growth for our wonderful nation. I know that if people only commit to the ideals of the South African Democratic process, and continue to seek out and abolish poor behaviour and corruptio, we can see this great nation as a benchmark for the rest of the world to follow, allowing for a huge representation on political level of all our various lifestyles and views, our nation truly can be great only if we all add to it, and help it through the birthing process. Remember, that the US democracy is much older than ours, and debatably only achieved maturity more than a hundred years after being formed. Always remember, a democracy never stagnates, never ceases to grow, it is a living, breathing process that is managed by the constituents of this great nation...

Is this how things are going to be?

2010-04-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this post with some background...

Virginia Keppler
“Sterf wit man! Viva, Malema!”

Só het vier gewapende rowers glo eergister omstreeks 05:00 tydens ’n plaasaanval in Bynespoort, sowat 5km van Mamelodi in die ooste van Pretoria, geskreeu toe hulle ’n gesin aangeval het.

Mnr. Leon Johan Koekemoer (39), ’n kaptein en instrukteur in die Herstigte Kommandokorps, was saam met sy vrou, Annelie (37), en hul drie minderjarige kinders en hul 56-jarige loseerder tuis op hul plaas naby die Cullinand-pad toe die rowers toegeslaan het.

Kmdt. Franz Jooste, uitvoerende direkteur van die kommandokorps wat as ’n art.21-maatskappy geregistreer is, het gesê die rowers het deur ’n venster in die sitkamer ingebreek nadat hulle die diefwering oopgebreek het.

Jooste het gesê toe een van die rowers die egpaar in hul kamer wou oorval, het mev. Koekemoer opgespring en die kamerdeur toegegooi en dit probeer toedruk.

“Die rower het die deur oopgeskop en toe met haar begin stoei. Kapt. Koekemoer het opgespring en na sy byl, wat hy in die kamer hou, gegryp.”

Jooste het gesê kapt. Koekemoer het aanvanklik gesukkel om ’n hou in te kry omdat die aanvaller en sy vrou rof gestoei het. Toe hy ’n kans kry, het hy hard na die aanvaller gekap.

“Dié het toe dadelik uit die kamer gehardloop en deur die sitkamervenster gevlug. Sy makker het intussen na die loseerder se kamer gegaan en daar probeer inkom.

“Toe hy uiteindelik by die deur ingestorm het, het die loseerder twee skote op hom gevuur en hy het in die gang dood neergeval.”

Die ander twee aanvallers het ook gevlug. Jooste het bygevoeg dat hulle die plaasaanvalle op mnr. Julius Malema, die ANC-jeugleier, en sy sing van die woorde “skiet die Boer” blameer.

Jooste het gesê dié aanvallers het hulle vasgeloop omdat hul kommando’s paraat is danksy goeie opleiding wat hulle gekry het. “Ons het baie groot suksesse met die nuwe kommando wat weer op die been is.”

Kapt. Sipho Zulu, polisiewoordvoerder, het gesê die polisie ondersoek ’n klag van huisroof en poging tot moord.
“Die polisie is ook besig met ’n geregtelike doodsondersoek na die dood van een van die aanvallers,” het Zulu gesê.

Above article is from Beeld, here is the link:

Is this the proof that farm attacks are related to Idiot Malema's public rants that the government was waiting for, or will they think up another reason to delay protecting us, the Afrikaner community?

Directly resulting from this attack, and in accordance with South African law, we, the afrikaner community, now have a right to police protection... It will be interresting to see our defunct government attempt to provide us with said protection as outlined in the consitution... Failing this, a possible alternative would then be relaxing firearm control legislation in order to allow us to defend ourselves. These are the only two realistic and practical solutions to the problem, and it would appear that government is not going to budge on either of these, thereby sending a clear message that they cannot and/or will not help us when we require it. Maybe the time has come to seriously consider the possibility of creating a free standing state where we will be able to defend ourselves.
Further that, the next ill educated communist d!@&3@d that spouts something along the lines of "We suffered under the old regime" will receive a personal ass kicking from me. Damn right you suffered, the apartheid policies were wrong, we apologizes, we gave you a fair chance and what positive, realistic things happened? Absolutely nothing, you destroyed what infrastructure we had in place and allowed the rest to crumble slowly as your chosen leadership lined their pockets and continue to do so, and still, you blame us... The irony is, that we did not tax the black community during apartheid, and allocated a portion of the taxes from the white community in order to sustain you regardless of your lack of contribution to the direct tax. We did make ill use of you to further our corporate ideals and for that, I believe we have paid. I am all for a race neutral world, but this is fast changing as I am becoming a victim of what can only be described as genocide.
Government failure to succesfully leash their dog (Idiot Malema) and the subsequent loss of lives of the afrikaner volk will result in an uprising. A brief assesment of the situation here now, and talking with people who lived in Rhodesia thirty years ago seem to draw some truly fearful parallels... Reflect on this for a moment and then decide... Will Pres. Zuma reign in his dog, or will it become necessary for us to leave his country to him, so that Idiot Malema can actually have this country turn into the same bloody mess that is Zimbabwe? Only time will tell, but I know my course, while presently I am at a watch and wait position, it is beginning to become clear what I am waiting for... I invite any and all comments, as always, your opinions matter...

Racial Issues Can Only Affect Us If We Allow It

2010-04-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hey, so, given recent news regarding Eugene Terreblanche's murder in his farmhouse and the subsequent uproar and so on, I would like to voice my opinion here and on this very topic today.
Yes, In no way can the murder of this icon be seen as a mere statistic, for many of the Afrikaner volk, the racial targetting of our cultural group has become a reality. It has been quite a while in the making and no politician will dissuade us. But the sad fact of the matter is, that given the restraints imposed upon us by law, there is very little we can actually do. We are left unable to defend ourselves, unable to fight and unable to act, as apparently when we do anything we are racist.
The actual issue today lies with an unhappy youth, the product of a biased upbringing. We cannot do anything to fix that. As any anthropologist will tell you, for our democracy to actually achieve a maturity, we will need to bury the grudges of the past, and the pressures of the present. Complete buffoons like ANCYL president Julius Malema don't see this bigger picture, looking, rather, to incite a hatred among the african youth. And when we, the Afrikaner volk lash out at him, he runs to his overprotective role model and saviour, Jacob Zuma. So here is my opinion on the matter. Let him go, launch a public appeal as the President of South Africa and ask your youth, the product of your incapable and incompetent youth league president to calm down. Because at the present rate, and without a formal apology, the Afrikaner volk will revolt. While you believe that we are the minority and do not pose a threat, I beg of you, look at your taxation system. Of the entire budget, who provided the majority of the national income? And who is currently the biggest beneficiarry? Even if your young men with their blatantly racist and homicidal Facebook posts do succeed at murdering the "White Oppressors", who will be the source of income? Who will do the actual day-to-day running of the country? Or do countries like Zimbabwe, Nigeria and a few others not serve as a warning to this aggrevated youth?
Remember the following then, once you take away everything from a man, his freedom, his safety, his country and his family, you leave him with nothing left to do but fight. And while we are a very hard headed populous, we are also a tenacious group. We may have "taken your land" in eras past, but by no means was this easy. We fought for every bit of it. Betrayed by your forefathers, after we helped defend them from their tribal allies. And we defended ourselves when needed, succesfully more times than not, each time in the face of overwhelming odds, something that even the Brittish learnt the hard way. Remember that the only reason we surrendered to them was the fact that our families were held and left to die in concentration camps. And even this did not dissuade the "Bittereinders", men who had already lost their families and farms, who had nothing left but fighting. And remember that guerilla warfare was pioneered and perfected by the "Rockspiders". Remember that in order for us to fight, a direction that your youth seems quite set upon, you need only continue down this path. But know this, I will personally not stand by and watch as the land that my fathers won, built and handed down to me gets destroyed by a hatred for the very people that placed you in the positions of power that you now posess. We might lose in an open fight, but we will fight if that's what you require.
I honestly hope that sanity wins out in this situation, as I in no way wish to lose any more of my friends, hear more horror stories or lose more of my life than I already have. But remember these words. Even a leopard will avoid a confrontation with most humans it encounters, but when cornered or threatened, it will not stop killing until it is either victorious, or dead...
Why the harsh words you ask, well, here is a list of reasons:

This is the response of ANCYL members shortly after the death of an Afrikaner icon...
Now remember this, there can be a peaceful resolution, but in order for that to occur, these incitors, including their hate filled leader should be placed in front of a judge on charges of hate speach and inciting war. Possibly even treason...
Because this is exactly what it is, ultimately, their actions may lead to the total destruction of this once great nation of ours.

EMo crap for the year

2010-03-30T05:52:00.000-07:00

In a rare moment of emotional honesty I penned this little masterpiece... Thought I'd leverage it against my emo quota for the year...

“Danger! Do Not Open! Contains No User Servicable Parts” lees die cover op my stukkende TV...
Hoe van pas dan daarde woorde, dat die waarskuwing ewe goed van toepassing is op my gebroke hart?
Dat my hart en my TV, my TV en my hart, saam so sou deelhê in hul puin,
die ruine wat hul, hulself in bevind en daardie eenvoudige gedeelde waarheid?
Dat niemand moet of kan of wil hul regmaak en weer laat nutvind nie?
Is dit dan maar so dat hierdie twee sal in hope moet lê en gelaat word?
Want die waarskuwing lees in rooi op wit dat dit is hoe dit is en moet bly...
Tog maak ek toe die ding wel oop om die gebroke deel te soek
en vind dan dat om dit reg te maak moes ek net bereid wees om die waarskuwing te verontagsaam...
Nou werk my TV weer ten spyte van ‘n kenner se kundige waarskuwing tot die teenstelling
Mag dit nie dan dalk dui dat daar dog wel hoop is dat iemand die waarskuwing op my mag minag met dieselfde gevolg?
Kan ek nie dan dalk ook reggemaak word nie?

Please comment, as this is my best work yet in my opinion and any input would be greatly appreciated...

Hard work yields rewards...

2010-03-25T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am having what can only be described as a week from hell...
I have more to do than I could possibly manage, more responsibilities than I can field and more ahead, but luckily I am one of the lucky people who is posessed of perspective. Nothing worth having, was ever easy to get, nothing worth doing, was ever easy to do, nothing worth saying, ever came easily, but when you realize the freedoms that we have as a result of what others did, others gave up and others worked hard for, then we have no right to complain... Complaining is a waste, pure and simple. If you want to complain and not have viable solutions or the willingness to implement said solutions, then you do not have the right to complain... There is enough negativity in the world. What the world needs is people who are willing to do the work. To get things done...
If you are one of the complainers in my life, count yourself removed from it. I will only remain friends with people who have vision, tenacity and vigour... You become that with which you surround yourself, and there are far to many pessimistic defeatists in this world... I will not number among them...

Implementing Vodacom Uncapped ADSL

2010-03-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

Argh!!! Frustration... But then again, with no-one to blame but myself for insisting on their service... Based on my experience with their backbone and service standard, they were the obvious choice, either them or IS, but I needed to use them in order to see how well they work. The truth, hardly at all...
Having waited almost 5 weeks to get my modem delivered, I finally get it and attempt to implement it at my clients network, and the trouble started right there, while it would connect and I could resolve DNS, I could get no traffic. Even worse, they had neglected to configure the router as I specified, so it lies outside of my subnet. Lovely.
Hours on the phone and such finally gets me a working internet connection, outside of the subnet that I require. But then I finally log in and adjust the subnet, only to find that after restarting my subnet is correct, but the DHCP has been disabled, more fun... Now they have disabled my login to the router, meaning that I have to log a service ticket with them just to get the damn thing configured in the manner that I requested more than a month ago...
All the time sitting with a client that is unable to work, because they have no internet, and no network... Great service guys, keep it up, at least now I can safely avoid using Vodacom as an ISP in future and just stick to the offerings of IS, as they have yet to drop the ball once...

Look, I need to get some people to help with this...

2010-03-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

SPONSOR A CHILD 2010

‘Seekamp’ is an annual Christian camp held by the ‘Equilibrium Staatmakers’. The camp is held at Boknes in the Eastern Cape during the July school holidays. This camp is aimed at high school learners as well as learners from the Abraham Kriel children’s home and Firlands children’s home within the same age group. The camps’ goal is to give our love so that this sense of community will be evident in the leaders of tomorrow. Each year with the help of our sponsors we are able to take 100 learners to the coast for the week of their lives.

With your help as a sponsor, this year will be our twenty-first successive camp.

‘Equilibrium Staatmakers’ is made up of a group of approximately 30 voluntary students and young adults. They are solely responsible for the organization, funding and the implementation of ‘Seekamp’.
The ‘Equilibrium Staatmakers’ are a registered group of the Transvaal Voortrekkers (welfare-number 021-962-NPO) are thus involved with a variety of youth/community projects throughout the year.

More information about ‘Seekamp’:

Activities:

‘Seekamp’ does not only offer the learners to explore new parts of our country, but also offers them a chance to learn about the coastal environment. We see this as a key aspect of our camp because many of the learners have never visited the coast before. Together with this we also offer a wide range of activities during the week. Some of these activities include fishing, hiking, snorkeling, horse back riding, rock-climbing, rowing, cycling, lifesaving and other survival tactics. We also visit numerous institutions, monuments, and other historical places of interest. As you can see we have an exciting and unforgettable program to offer!

Costs:

Learners who can afford to go on the camp themselves pay a minimal fee of R800. The rest of the costs are subsidized by us. Learners who can not afford this are covered by the donations and sponsorships we receive. Therefore no funds are required of them. Because of our financial approach, the students and volunteers need to raise roughly R240 000.00 (between R2 500.00 and R3 000.00 per learner) annually to make ‘Seekamp’ a reality and success. The above costs include bus transit, accommodation, meals, outings, and all activities mentioned above. The cost also covers all clothing and materials the children need.
‘Sponsor a Child’ is an opportunity for you to support our mission by sponsoring a child or through a donation. Help us to put the light back in the lives of our youth!

Your good hearted consideration would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to contact us for any further information that you may require or a more extensive sponsorship proposal.

‘Seekamp’ greetings
Michelle Germishuys (Sponsorships and Admin)
0826368293
michelle@estaties.co.za

Giving Up Is A Sin...

2010-03-23T01:14:00.000-07:00

True tragedy is in the situation that we all have seen in our own lives. Where you are forced to make a decision between doing something that you believe is the right thing, or giving up. How is this tragic you ask; because so many people choose to give up. The fact is, that I would not be able to live with myself if I gave up on something that I believed in. Always knowing that things could have been different if I tried harder, that would keep me awake at nights...
But going for it hard, giving it everything you have and trying your utmost and then failing, well, then you can always know that obviously it wasn't meant to be, then at least the fault doesn't lie with yourself.
But so many people just give up, not willing to have their spirits crushed, this is the tragedy, as by doing this, you only end up doubting yourself later on, running through the 'what-if's', thinking about what you could have done differently.
Just had to post this because for the seventh time this week I just gave a friend this advice, go for it with everything you have, at least if you fail then, you know you tried...

Time to step up methinks...

2010-03-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

Hey all my faithful readers (That's both of you)... Today marks the second Monday following the beginning of a series of news-events that have served as a catalyst for my recent decision to change the world. For real this time...
It all started two weeks ago today, I was driving to workd (As you do on a monday morning) when I heard the news report about the two female paramedics who were assaulted (one raped) while attending to a burnt toddler somewhere in this country. Well, this really got my blood boiling (Having actually known a few girls who have been raped, and the various ways in which they handle the situation). In fact, I was furious. Here we have people, who offer up so much of themselves in order to save the lives of people that they have never met, and this is how society thanks them, not even mentioning the impossible working conditions and miniscule salaries that they face... The constant threat of death now combined with this...
To add insult to injury, the two farm-murders in the same timespan, Jub-Jub killing four school pupils, Julius Malema singing "Kill The Boer" on a campus, claiming how apartheid affected a crop of students who weren't even born when this was the case... A seventeen year-old teen murdered in her home and her arms chopped off after she was raped. A taxi driver killing two pedestrians... And Eskom feeling that an already broken economy can stand 93% worth of price hikes over three years...
Fury can't even begin to encapsulate the anger, hatred and emotion that I am experiencing, even now, as I write this.
The time has come to make a change, not just complain, but actually do something about this. And I have decided that the time to become political is almost upon us... While I strongly feel that it would be better to start my own political party, I don't believe that I can garner the votes required to secure any real office, so instead, I think I am going to start my own little campaign and enter the world of politics on my terms... Enter my three stage plan:

1). Become a Class A Police reservist
Category A Reservist: Functional Policing:
Perform functions in all operational facets of policing either at stations, area or provincial level, but excluding specialized functional duties;
May wear a uniform;
Will be trained in relevant aspects of functional policing.

I am going to begin by making the area in which I live (ie. Linden) a more secure, safer area for all those who live there. I will achieve a form of community service and will create an awareness for my character in this area, building an image of a man who wishes to secure the lives and livelihoods of the community, and branding myself as that man... Getting to know the people as the friendly neighbourhood reservist.

2). Formulate A Belief In The Community
This is a fluent cross from step 1. Where we will begin to build on a community that doesn't let negativity sway us from our goals of a safer society. We will then begin to start more community projects, including the deployment of more security, a community garden and a community safety forum. Allowing us to work with the SAPS and build a safer community for all concerned.

3). Go Political
Stand for the office of the political party which most strongly supports our drive for safety, and using that drive as a springboard to garner votes and get myself elected to regional office and eventually regional government. Enacting change in the right direction and building a regional sense of community. Forcing crime and service delivery issues out the window and working together to restore this country to the great nation that we have proven ourselves as capable of being...

In summary, my plan entails alot of hard work and handshaking, but I believe that the only way to enact change, is to make it happen and to unite the community in order to achieve the goals that will benefit us all...

Hmmmm... Online Dating, fun/scary...

2010-02-11T05:04:00.000-08:00

Having just created an online dating profile on a dating service that shall remain anonymous (under duress, I might add)... I have decided to make the best of this situation into which I am being forced, by experiencing the phenomenon of online dating, also, attempting to gauge the type of people that you meet online... Could be fun...

How I became a marketing manager...

2010-01-22T02:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I am still not exactly sure how this series of events came to unfold while I was fully conscious in the meeting, but somehow I have found myself in charge of a major re-branding and marketing drive for the company I work for...
Now this could easily be described as just another bunch of extra work to fill my empty hours, but as it turns out, I have no formal qualifications in the field... Luckily, however, I know quite a few people who work in marketing and will be making full use of their brainpower, but still, how did that happen, and this brings me to my next point, how often doesn't it happen that you end up doing alot of work outside of the scope of your position within the company that you work for?
I find myself delving into fields that I used to have a passable working knowledge in, and learning that pretty much everything has changed, yesterday, and will do so again, tomorrow... While this remains an exciting field, I am forced to ask, how do you do it? How do you stay abreast of all the latest developements in a field, where everything you know is outdated by the time you know it? At least in IT you have a few weeks leeway, but here, as soon as it is discovered, it is done, killed and you have to move on... Innovation is no longer just a good idea, but a requirement. I find myself looking at Search Engine optimization and Social Media marketing, which are both quite manageable, but at the same time I have to create a whole new image and division in the company while marketing an entire new line of products and services from us, having not worked with those industries in four years...
So basically, time for an intense learning curve, catching up, new ideas and such... So two things then: a) How often and how are you expected to work outside of your field, and b) Are you in marketing and looking to help me with Social Media Marketing?

A Week Using MacOS X

2010-01-20T05:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, now, having used a MacBook Air running MacOS X for one week now, courtesy of Alad, I will say this for the tiny little fruit... It rocks, as a gadget... As a tool, it is all but useless... It's counter intuitive from a technical perspective, and testing and diagnostics are nearly not even worth the effort.. Software restrictions are far less of an issue than I initially thought, as I managed to get most of my day to day apps (or at least a workable substitute) downloaded and running with very little trouble...

From a strictly technical point of view however, it is a bitch... But at the end of the day, for your average office jock, this is the solution I would advise as it needs no maintenance and the simple click and run approach is almost foolproof...

In summary, An apple is simply a PC without any of the really useful bits... Based on the Apple marketing campaign where they consider their product as ideal for those who think outside of the box I am forced to conclude that; "Apple is just in the box thinking with a smaller box than PC, admittedly with a better interior decorator..."

And yet another epic failure by Apple and iStore...

2010-01-20T04:35:00.000-08:00

Well, would you guess it, turns out it was the OS disc that was faulty, so they replaced it. But not after I asked the technician wether he can confirm that it was just the disc and not the drive and received his assurance of said... Well, turns out that the untrained buffoons that work at iStore branches are as uneducated as they are unhelpful...

I have gotten home and attempted to install the upgrade to MacOS X Snow Leopard 10.6.2 from 10.6.0 again, and guess what, still not working... So I am faced with another 40km trip to isolate the issue, or, as will be the case, a telephonic debate with the idiot who assured me that he had tested the drive... Now, why I said it was the drive as well, was because windows installation via BootCamp doesn't work either, it gets to the point where it says; "Getting Ready To Start Windows Setup" and not a step further (after a two hour wait).

If a computer company wants to act all pompous and holier than thou, then their products should at least work, as of right now they are firing 0 for 3 in every Apple product that I have ever purchased.

Now, the question that I ask is simply this, is this incompetence simply due to the fact that all service staff in South Africa are useless, or is it an underlying problem from the Apple Corporation globally?

Mac woes continued...

2010-01-18T05:28:00.000-08:00

So, having finally giving up on using either the disc or drive that I purchased on Friday in order to reinstall the MacBook Air that belongs to my client, I have been forced to make the 40km trek to Vodaworld in order to let the "specialists" at the iStore tell me their thoughts and find a solution that works... He then assumes that I made a mistake and proceeds to waste an hour of my time in order to recreate the scenario that I explained to him... Then he decides that since they don't have a technician today, they will have to keep my computer and my new stock overnight in order to test them and figure out what is wrong with it... Fun... So once again, I will need to drive 40km to come pick my stuff up when they discover that I was originally correct in telling them what the problem is... Oh the joys of Mac... Watch out for more updates as this terrible service from a brand continues to firmly place PC as my favourite Computer...

When A PC Tech Tackles A MacBook Air...

2010-01-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

Well, having a ball of a time with what can only be described as one of the worst upgrade experiences of my life... But here we go:
On Friday, one of my biggest clients asked me to "fix his computer", I walk into his office and am greeted by what can only be described as the single most beautiful piece of tech I have ever seen, a brand spanking new MacBook Air. Now, having some (albeit very little) experience in MacOS X, I decided that I can give it a shot. His issue was that it wouldn't install the update from 10.4.6 to 10.5.8. So I try to install it, and sure as you would believe, it fails. Not being easily dissuaded and being armed with the mighty Google as my ally, I delve into the dark realms that are the Apple Support Forums and quickly discover that this isn't a very rare phenomena. The solution, is backing up and reinstalling from your original factory discs, Not a problem, I ask my client where I would find his discs only to be informed that he does not have them. So I decide to buy new ones (Just to be legal, and also, due to the lack of an optical drive on the MacBook Air, I sell him a brand new Apple SuperDrive). Having accepted my quote, he also asks me to make use of the BootCamp feature so that he can dual-boot Windows 7 on his new toy...
Now having to drive 40km to procure said stock, I return to my office/workshop/home and connect the brand spanking new DVD-Recorder. I insert the disc and continue to install the software, only to run into an error, which I then decide to solve by reinstalling the entire laptop from scratch after formatting it... Big Mistake... Turns out that either the drive or the installtion media is corrupt... Fun times... I am presently attempting to install the OS from my PC over the wireless network at the office, and this is probably going to take the remaining years of my life to achieve... But I have now learnt one very valuable lesson here that I cannot stress the importance of... If ever, a client wants me to reinstall their Mac again, I will take their slick and beautiful piece of technological marvel, and shove it perpendicularly up their lowest orifice...

Beer, Cigarettes and Pirated Content...

2010-01-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am presently seated at a major LAN event, which is held every month in a town close to my parents place. I try and make it out here every month, but on average I am only here once every three months due to my other responsibilities. But what makes me write about tonights event is a fairly new (and highly welcome) developement.

Girls at LAN's:
When I started attending this LAN event in 2005, it was mostly a bunch of dudes playing games and leeching once a month, it has grown to a sold out event with more than 300 attendees pretty much evenly spread between gamers and leechers. What has also changed is the amount of female participation. What inevitably started as a bunch of dudes bringing their girlfriends along and finding that the only way to entertain them was to get them to download all the latest TV series and movies at the LAN, has grown to a not insubstantial group of girls who feature regularly (And in some cases, as relationships run their course, bringing their new attachments along and introducing them to the group). But what is more significant is the fact that even now, most of the leeching is being done by girls. I am sure that when I sober up sometime tomorrow morning, I will find significance in this little fact... For now, I am forced in my drunken, sleep deprived state, to conclude that piracy in South Africa is mostly perpetuated by the females of the species... Typical Eve ;)

...Oh ja...

2010-01-14T04:30:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I wasn't in fact done with a previous rant regarding taxis and our beautiful governments epic failures in the area of road safety... Hmph... Not really in the mood to get all worked up over that again... But I will at least close off the previous rant with the following;

...as of now my father is back home, and we are very lucky that this is the case, but the truth of the matter is that government is currently demonstrating their utter inability to control the road safety in a manner which is fair... Their failure in this regard is, in fact, a blatant infraction on our human rights, as they ure not able to provide for our safety on the roads (our safety at home is probably going to be the topic of an entirely different rant at a later stage). And I am dissapointed that a once remarkable infrastructure has been allowed to crumble to the verge of ruin... How often do you pass an out of order traffic light in your daily commute? Now, how often can you find a metrocop sitting less than 500m further along the road manning a speedtrap? Would not an educated person see the need to assist in the flow of traffic rather than preying on those individuals speeding because the non functioning traffic light has caused them to be late for a meeting, where they are required, as tax paying citizens, to be in order to make their salaries of which SARS claims a not insubstantial portion on the premise that they will use at least a portion thereof to fascilitate the taxpayers ability to perform vital work functions in the form of transport infrastructure and competent traffic officers? Alas, this isn't the case, bacause in the 2008/9 Tax season 5.6million registered tax payers (companies and private individuals) had to pay for the 11.3million people on welfare...

After a long absence, I bring nothing new to the table...

2010-01-14T04:01:00.000-08:00

Hey all (and by that I mean all three the people who follow my blog, that is to say if they haven't passed away in the interim, which is entirely possible). So, here we are at the start of a new year, and we are all aware that the Fifa world cup is going to be happening this year, fun times... Our matrics of 2009 are a quite uneducated lot and apparantly google have stepped up their plans for world domination by releasing the Google Nexus One (though it's technically just a worse copy of the HTC Hero). In other news, 2009 saw far fewer US Patents registered by US companies and a dramatic increase from Asia, this has the Obama state quite worried as it is now finally quantafiable how dumb americans are becoming... Also, apparantly stem cells can now be harvested from male testicles, clearing up the murky mess that is embryonic stemm cell research philosophy a little and possibly allowing for new technologies that will save lives and allow us to further overpopulate the planet... Another interresting titbit is the fact that it is now possible to artificially recreate flesh, giving vegans some food for thought (I am entitled to write puns in my blog). Basically, I am excited for the new year and learning what will happen as these new technologies come of age. Having finally given in and going to watch Avatar 3D, I am impressed with the related technology, and thanks to that single movie, Sony have anounced a handheld 3D HD camcorder, so with the advent of 3D display technologies (From Viewsonic) the world might just become more interactive this year... Windows 7 has launched and been beautiful, truly a succesful operating system for the IT crowd and for once an example of what MS can achieve when they actually try.

As for relationships, clearly 2009/10 going to be a lonely year for many, as I see friend Tiger has joined the ranks of the single... We welcome you playa...

In other news, I am moving again at the end of January and I am not happy about it. So much hard work... ouch...

Anyway, just wanted to write something at least, will try to update again soon... But I leave you with a simple thought: "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."Oscar Wilde

Introspection

2009-06-16T04:17:00.000-07:00

So, recently I have been in a situation where I had to make a decision... A tricky one, and I made the "right" choice, which, as it turns out, wasn't the right choice... But for a change I had to do something right... Here is my question; why is it that doing the right thing always, and I mean always, comes back to bite me in the ass... I have had multiple theories about it over the years, but honestly, I think it's simply the fact that no matter how nice a guy you are, at the end of the day, you're the only one... The more you sacrifice of yourself, the more other people benefit, never you... So I'm interrested in your theories, let me know...

Second Life

2009-06-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Second Life isn't all bad... It does lack some decent controls... But that is to be expected on most internet connections in South Africa... While the concept is sound, I think that more attention should be given to the interface, and the controls should be adjusted to me more natural to thos of us who often game... But other than that, I do enjoy the idea, and after getting used to it, it's fun... A very different way to network at the very least... But since we're covering games today, WHEN IS DIABLO 3 COMING OUT!!! Arghh!!!
Been waiting for ages now, and it appears that I will continue to do so for awhile yet... The closest thing to an actual release date that we have been able to come up with at the moment is that it might be 09-09-09... Can't wait that long...

I is bach..

2009-06-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

Hey all my faithful readers... I am back, and todays topic, social networking... What began with bulletin boards has now come to the point where vast social networks spanning the globe make communication between individuals so much easier, but also, has expanded our reach in our perpetual hunt for new knowledge and new people... I am writing this short note as I download the Second Life installer... In this I am hoping to test the workings of this, the next level of social networking... Stay tuned for updates...

F&@#!%g Taxis!!!

2009-02-26T06:22:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lengthy wait since my last post, this is not because I have lost interest but rather because I have been so busy (In fact I still am). But something that has happened in the week has created the need in my heart to vent again, so sadly for you, you all get to hear another rant...

Let me begin by expressing my condolences to the family of Bernadine Kruger in their time of sadness this week. It is on this very topic that I am writing today, as I feel that our useless government has once again failed us and this time an innocent, well-loved child had to pay the price. All because our metro police care more about striking and mass action than any measurable amount of job performance. Now let me begin by stating that I do agree that they should be paid more (though they already earn more than the SAPD, but they can't strike, they don't have the right). I agree that corruption should be addressed and yes, the media is the most effective means to accomplish this, but you don't need to toi-toi everytime you don't get your way, sometimes try and follow the propor channels, I understand that you are uneducated and that beurocracy is a "new" concept to you and your "tribal ways" (I state this because you get to use this as an excuse for violence and land reclamation, so why shouldn't I use it to blame you? Or is that racist, as only a white man can be a racist these days?). And I generalize for a reason, it's because the greater percentage of the MetroPolice force are of African descent... Not because I am a racist, in fact, I wish that this country could be fair and free and not limit my career opportunities simply becaue of my skin colour, but that's all besides the point. The point is that becasue the Metro Police are incapable of protecting the public as is their job from poor driving and unroadworthy vehicles (Which in most cases seem to be minibus taxis used for "public transport") and as a direct result, we have taxi's involved in accidents almost every day...

My own father was involved in an accident with a taxi on the fourth of January of this year and spent about two weeks in a coma, he is still in hospital (Rehab) becuase of this accident... And the incompetent metro police officers filled out the accident report that one party was the taxi driver (And bear in mind they witnessed my father being loaded, unconscious, into the ambulance) and the other party was unknown and uninjured... UNINJURED MY MOTHERF&@#!%g ass... The metro police's epic failure at the Kruger incident left the taxi driver to leave the scene. Though it didn't seem hard for the Beeld to find plenty of witnisses to the accident. Why is it then that the metro police couldn't and had to rely on the Beeld's?

It's because of BEE and all that other racially motivated bulls#!7 that the sodding metro police is littered with corruption and useless officers, so the solution? Strike, cause more inlfation, f&@k up the country further, who gives a crap anyway, right?

I apologize, this is to be continued, I am too angry to finnish this post now...

The CareerGeneration

2009-02-13T03:29:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to invent a buzzword, so use this one as often as possible so it may spread like wildfire.
During a social event last night I realized something interresting, and that was that my generation is very career driven. So much so, in fact, that we tend to eschew social events in order to work longer and harder than the rest of the people at the office so that we may distinguish ourselves from our colleagues.
I believe that this is due to the rollmodels that we had on TV, where the wealthy people were always at the office, ignoring their friends and family in favour of getting that last deal through. This illusion, combined with the popular myth that wealth in fact makes us happier, has lead to an entire generation of us being so involved with work that we don't realize that it is in fact our employers who need us. We are so scared of losing our precious jobs that we don't complain about overtime, we go to the office over weekends and generally just accept that working through Christmas is part of our lives.
The direct result of this an entire generation of people who work 14+ hours a day just because we somehow believe that this will help us to get better promotions or larger salaries. The truth is that the companies don't notice this, in fact, it would appear that they don't notice anything at all we do. I knew a guy who was working with me in Sales at a large IT distribution comany a few years back, and while I was working my butt off to make targets (Averaging 70% of total company turnover) he was idling by playing solitaire and making about 3% of company turnover. Now in a sales team of 5 that is saying something. When I finally decided that I'd had enough of them screwing me on my commission and tendered my resignation I came to learn that he was earning more than me (His commission statement was on the MD's desk at the time) and doing absolutely nothing for the company. The sad truth is, that in most cases, being a slacker who knows how to talk smoothly, trumps hard work each time. And us, the "Career Generation" are never going to get ahead until we learn that hard work never pays in a company environment. The only people who get anywhere at all with hard work are the people who have their own businesses. If you work for someone, the harder you work, the better you line their pockets.

I made this observation last night, because... I am awesome!

Zim, take our useless nationals...

2009-02-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

Firstly, let me begin by congratulating Trevor Manual (One of our few ministers who actually deserves his post) on another well rounded and almost perfect budget. Now, the rant:
South Africa has 5.3million taxpayers, which on first glance looks to be a reasonable amount, but why then, do we have 13million people on social welfare? That meanse that I, as an honest, hard working taxpayer have to fork over the living allowance for almost 2.5 people every month, which is to say that I am responsible for feeding 3.5mouths (including myself), how is this fair? Why should other people's inability to find employment affect me? I work my butt off (often working 12 hours a day) and sometimes working weekends just so that I can earn some overtime and/commision to help with all my financial responsibilities (yes, I have my own private anuity, disability and medical insurances) as well as having to have a car (due to a lacking public transportation system) and I have to pay out my ear for broadband (that at the best of times works only sporadically) in order to just be able to continue working (so as to pay for abovementioned "luxuries"). God help me if I wish to relax, since sin-taxes are almost making it impossible to afford drinking these days and my schedule at work doesn't really allow for most other passtimes. I am sick of having to pay for RDP houses (Which never get built), transport infrastructure upgrades (Which currently only mean that I have to drive through 40km of roadworks everyday, slowing traffic down more than ever) and feeding people who believe that the government is responsible for their 300 illegitimate children.
My father recently spent a few weeks in ICU at a prestigious private hospital (funded by his personal medical aid, not state subsidies) where the standard of the nursing staff (As I am told is the case in most hospitals these days) was so low that we had to personally see to it that the gaping wound in my fathers throat got cleaned (while we were spending a fortune on doctors trying to find out why my dad had an infection). It saddens me that the people who are actually paying taxes are the ones who don't make use of the "facilities" our taxes pay for.
Well, we get the police you say, I have to pay a hectic insurance premium every month because of all the claims I've had to put in due to theft and/or lacking road safety (Both police and The Transport Ministry are to blame here) because a. The police aren't in fact protecting us and b. The roads that our taxes are supposed to go for are in such an appalling state. My father's accident (Where a minibus taxi knocked him off his bicycle) was a result of poor road surface (and as it happens, I totalled my previous car on the same traffic circle due to the same poor road surface causing a burst tire at 40km/h round a circle, as per the speed limit) is costing us more than a million rand in hospital fees thusfar (thankfully mostly covered by his very good medical aid, which costs him an arm and a leg each month anyway), yet we cannot claim that back from the road accident fund (another tax service that doesn't do what it's supposed to) becuase we cannot prove that my father lost more than 30% of his abilities (This while he was in a coma and in fact, had no abilities whatsoever). My question is merely this, why don't we, the taxpayers, get any benefits from all the tax that is collected from us each year, while illiterate, undecutad, previously disadvantaged people (Who through BEE are entitled to better paying jobs than me) get to draw all of the benefits?

In short, the answer is this, our country is experiencing a "brain-drain", where the few experienced and qualified individuals that do reside here, are leaving because quite honestly, even living in one of the poorest nations in the world (The USA), has more benefit than this once great country... Because our government has failed us, time and again, and it's about time we gave another party a chance.

Another point of contention on this topic is VAT, why, if there is supposedly no VAT raised on such things as milk and bread etc., do you still have to pay the 14% at the till? Do I really have to collect all my till slips at the end of the year and claim back the VAT on 365 odd transactions just to prove that I bought these things? Can't we put a simple system in place so that the VAT isn't levied at the end point? That would not only save alot of hard work (Both on the side of the taxpayers and SARS) but will also remove a redundant loop in the economy. And shouldn't I be able to deduct my entire insurance premium and any subsequent additional charges levied by third parties (excess) from my tax, since the only reason I am paying these amounts is becaue of a failure in my government in providing me with adequate protection of my assets and transportation infrastructure? Furhter that, due to firearm laws being so strictly enforced these days, I am unable to protect myself from potentially violent intruders in my own home, resulting in probably my own death due to poor policing service. And no, I am not blaming the police, there are men and women there that do a great deal more than should fairly be expected from them. It is once again the failure of government to provide what they should, rahter than attempting to help the "poor". I have no issue assisting those that need it, but in all honesty, all the people just holding their hand out for free handouts should be sent to live in a country where that is all they do (Nl. Zimbabwe), they can send their expats who are willing to work, and they can have our useless nationals....

My opinions, as always, my own, because, I am awesome...

Screamer Sucks

2009-02-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog, and yes, this is rather unfortunate that I have to make my first post in such a negative fashion. Hopefully at least this will draw attention to the fact that the service from certain companies sucks.
Firstly, a little history, for those of you who do not know who Screamer is, they are a wireless broadband internet and telecommunications provider currently based in Pretoria.
My current issue is that I had to move one of our managers CPE (Panel used to connect to their network) to point at a new location. Just as I set it up and got it running, there was a lightning storm and one of the repeater towers in the line apparantly went down. I can ping the tower I connect to and get good timing, as well as access to the nearest DNS Server. But still have no internet (Two days later). Attempting to contact them has remained utterly fruitless. They have a message that keeps telling me that their office hours are 8am till 10pm blah blah (For the record, I was trying from 20h30 till 22h15), and then it cuts off. They also provide alternative telephone numbers that don't work at all...
I am so fed up with so called "hassle-free" broadband providers and their willingness to take your money and then fail in providing on their promises, as if Telkom wasn't a bad enough experience...

This leads me to my next point, that since their failure is of such epic proportions, I am going to do some research and see if I cannot better them in the field they are currently in, simply because, I'm awesome...