Sunday, January 23, 2011

Hartseer en verlange...

Vanaand skryf ek in Afrikaans... Ek skryf in Afrikaans, gedeeltelik omdat ek wil sien of ek nog kan, gedeeltelik omdat ek gese het ek gaan, en meestal omdat ek voel in Afrikaans...

Ek is vervul met verlange, met 'n baie spesifieke leemte in my lewe, 'n leemte in 'n vorm wat ek goed ken. Ek het 'n belofte gemaak en ek is van plan om daarby te hou, maar ek vind dat dit moeiliker is as wat ek ooit sou kon raai om nie te doen wat ek gese het ek nie sal doen nie. Ek het genoeg dinge om te finaliseer en af te handel voordat ek hierdie komende naweek trek, maar nie eers die intensiteit en hoeveelheid werk wat ek my mee besig hou is genoeg om my gedagtes af te lei nie...

Ek begin volgende maand in 'n ander afdeling van die maatskappy waar ek reeds drie jaar werksaam is. Ek skuif heeltemal van beroep, en in die proses, van stede. Ek trek na Middelburg toe en begin as 'n IR Konsultant. Ek maak 'n nuwe begin vir die nuwe ek. Die ek wat nie meer in die stad kon bly nie; die ek wat vergeet het wat dit was om te voel het daar gebly. Die ek wat nie geweet het wie hy is en wat hy wil doen nie, het daar gebly. Die nuwe ek, die ek wat weet presies wat ek wil he uit die lewe uit, wat presies weet waarheen ek wil oppad wees, is die ek wat van volgende week af in Middelburg bly en werk. Die ek wat weer weet hoe dit voel om emosies te ervaar en hoe om te lewe in plaas daarvan om net as buitestander waar te neem hoe ander lewe is die ek wat nou besig is om alles in Johannesburg op te pak, weg te gooi dit waarvoor daar nie plek is nie, en in te pak dit wat ek nodig gaan he om te wees wie ek word.

In 'n mate is dit wat ek doen nodig, om uit die kokon van beskerming waarin ek myself vir 4 jaar teogedraai gehou het uit te klim. Die eerste tentatiewe klap van my nuutgevonne vlerke voordat ek begin om te lewe... Werklik te lewe, sonder vrees, sonder afhanklikheid.

So wag maar op die volgende uitgawe van die blog, hetsy Engels of Afrikaans, om meer te hoor oor hoe dinge gaan in my lewe...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I Love Someone...

Today, I write my latest entry with a very specific reason in mind, I am writing about something that I am feeling, something inside of me that needs to be said, and something that I need to get off my chest. In order to understand them, you need to understand that there are various types of love, various things worth understanding about love. Amore, Agape and Eros... The reality that love does not necessarily mean all of the above, but can be a selection of them, more specifically, that sometimes, when we are really lucky, they can be all of them...

Love, and being in love, and the fact that I am very lucky in having both of these things, very deeply for someone who is completely worth all of my affection and attention. She is the most perfect girl whom I ever met, and while perfection is relative, it is, in this case, relative to me, and for that reason, the only relevant perspective being my own, she is perfection incarnate. When I am around her, I am filled with a feeling of bliss and contentedness, the time we spend together, I consider my most prized, the most valuable thing I do. I would do anything that she asks of me, and would do everything in my power to ensure that she gets what she needs, that her every want is seen to. I care for this girl so much that I cannot begin to even explain or put into words the intensity of these feelings.

At the present juncture we have decided to start over, take things slowly, let them develop as they should. Without expectation, without fear or uncertainty. Simply stated, be friends. Don't misunderstand me, I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, spend all my time with her, show her the world and experience all of it with her at my side, I want to tell her that I love her, that she is the most important person in the world to me and that she means more to me than anyone else that ever existed. I want to have the certainty that she is mine, and to ensure that she knows that I am hers. I want to spend hours looking at her various smiles, especially the one I remember most perfectly... The smile where her entire face lights up, the one where the individual freckles on her face stand out just a little bit more, almost with pride, the smile where her eyes are so open, so clear that you can see the reflection of the world in their green depths and get lost within that world... The smile that, even by just remembering it, leads to me having this awestruck fool's grin... Spend every waking hour with the girl who is capable of seeing to the core of me, know how I think and appreciate the thoughts I have, the girl whose own thoughts are ones that fascinate me, the girl whose stories I could listen to for hours, whose poems speak of a deeper truth, a reality that is more real than any other, and an inescapable honesty that just forces introspection in me. A woman who can describe a concept to me with a precision and insight that reveals not only her intelligence, but her intellect and wisdom at the same time. A person who has the power to soothe any uncertainty inside of me, either with a quick word, or a long discussion, without failing to hit the nail on the head, each time.

But the reality of the situation is that the decisions that we have made have been made for very good reasons, and while, ideally, this would not be the case, the fact of the matter remains that it is, and I can not change things. Only accept them... That doesn't mean it's all bad though, and yes, there is a huge silver lining here: "We have the opportunity to get to know each other better, to be the support that each of us needs, as life is a never-ending learning experience, we can serve as valued council for each other, provide insights from our own, widely differing frames of reference to each other. Be supportive of the growth that each of us expect from this life and mostly, be the company we sometimes find ourselves needing." I can't tell her how I feel right now, because that wouldn't be fair towards her. I can't do any of the things I want, because right now, her needs are more important, more real, more relevant. I left my heart with her, and that is where it will stay, I know that, I accept that, I even acknowledge that much...

So why did I write this post, you ask? Read the bold lettering, understand what I am saying and realize the importance that this girl has to me, the intensity of my feelings for her, the reality that she is everything that I ever wanted and will ever want and realize this; If you are ever lucky enough to find someone like that, someone who makes you feel the way that she makes me feel, then the single best advice that I can ever give anyone, the most important truth that exists... If it's worth having, it's worth doing whatever it takes to get it, patience and understanding, the ability to accept that which you cannot change, but to fight for what you can... To quote the best way this has ever been stated; "Hoe meer jy haar wil he, hoe minder is die kanse dat jy haar gaan verloor..."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Learning About Life Needs Practice

So, time for another blog post... I have refrained from writing for the past few weeks because initially the topic would've sickened everyone and more recently, because I just didn't want to do many things. So then, finally, I think that I have something worth saying.
Where to begin; well, there is the whole concept of project CitiBoi, which will now replace my old blog, which was ITDudesBlog.
I will no longer be writing on that blog, and will, in future, focus all of my writing on this blog instead, in an attempt to unify the two and reduce the effort of maintaining two blogs, but also because the original concept of project CitiBoi has died a tragic death.
Now, for the part that is what I actually want to say; I recently have learnt alot more about my own self than I knew in past, and more specifically, I have been able to prove that the theoretical enlightenment that I thought I had attained, often times needed a real-world test before it could be considered, and in truth, I think I passed some, and failed some, but only realizing how I had failed in some of these ideals, through a good friend no less, did I realize what had needed tweaking in order to be viable wisdom.
I find myself considering these newly learnt lessons, and the updates to ones learnt of old quite often, I find myself more readily accepting "omens" and I find myself struggling with one or two, but overall, I have learnt alot more about things that I needed to learn alot more about.
Now, the things that I have said, should be a guide to those who consider themselves to be in a place where they are journeying through self-discovery, because often times we consider ourselves certain of a realization and that we won't make the same mistakes again, while in reality, the theory of how we should've coped is still flawed and requires testing, only after actually testing the theory can you know whether your coping mechanism will work or not. In short, I am wishing to share that small little bit of wisdom with you :)
That done, I am now going to wish all of you a fair day, and know that I will be writing again soon.