Friday, December 10, 2010

And The Winner Is (Part 1)

Good evening, CitiBoi here, just thought I'd let you all know why the blog has died an entirely unexpected death. While the idea was brilliant, I failed to bring into account the reality of the situation that emotions can catch you completely off guard.
About four weeks ago in an entirely unexpected turn of events, I felt sad. Now, that sounds quite lame, but it's all part of the story, so either you read it or you don't, but I'm typing it all up anyway.
Like I said, sad, but not run of the mill under the weather, but true sadness, an emptiness inside me and the knowledge that something was missing. What makes this truly strange, however, is the fact that over the last four or five years I have been pretty much faking all of my emotions. I believed that I was feeling them for awhile, but the truth is that I haven't, I was numb and it was something that I had grown to accept. But on this Sunday night, I wasn't, the numbness went away, and was, instead, replaced by pain. Longing, sadness and heartache. And I rejoiced.
Now, that probably sounds crazy too, but it wasn't, it was epic, it was awesome, because once you realize how numb you are, you kind of miss the feelings that you once had, the emotions like joy and happiness, which were worth the occasional sadness. So yes, I was ecstatic. Got in my car and drove to my favorite lookout point in Jozi where I could sit and look out at all the lights, marvel at their beauty and reflect on what was going on in my life. It is at this point when I realized something else, something that in it's effects, would end Project CitiBoi.
I had been talking to a lady, one of the 'contestants' in the project, for sometime at this point, we have shared deep thoughts and excellent conversations, but I was never too sure about certain aspects of her, and had not actually been on a date with her yet. Her name; HottieMcLonglegs.
So, then everything changed, because in that moment, sitting and looking at the world below me, I started talking to her again, we chatted for a few hours and she made me decide something there and then. I wanted to know more about this girl, I wanted to get to know her, everything about her... I started falling in love with a girl who has come to prove to me that not only is everything that I have ever thought that I want in a companion, but she is oh so much more...

That Concludes Part One of the post, please stay tuned for the updates...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hmmm... Tralalalala Cling Cling!!!

All that I can say, is WOW! These past few weeks, I have been seeing someone new, and despite all my romantic speculations and thoughts over the years, I have never experience emotions at the level that I am now.
I would like to point out at this point, that I am quite fond of mocking those couples who are all "lovey-dovey" and act like the world is all sunshine and roses and crap. But recently I have come to experience that level of attachment, and quite honestly, I don't care what people on the outside think, say or do. In my opinion, you cannot speak until you have felt what I feel and so I say boo to you sir, boo to you.

Having finally found someone with whom spending the rest of my life doesn't seem scary, or overly optimistic, someone who through the mere act of sending an SMS can brighten my entire day, someone who's smile can singlehandedly make me forget about anything that I currently have going on, I can finally say this is why we exist, this is what we are on this planet for and this is why I love my life :)

My friends may tire of my waxing lyrical regarding her, my colleagues as well, but the fact of the matter is that I am in-love, and very deeply so. I read Shakespeare and finally understand what the bard had meant to say, I read Wilde and finally get what he couldn't. I wake up at three in the morning with a smile on my face because of a dream I had just had about her, and rather than fall back asleep, I lie in bed contemplating the dream and the face that has made my day, though early, just that much better.

We love the same kind of things, and instead of fighting our urges, succumb to our innermost desires of freedom and spontaneity. We think similar thoughts and arrive at similar outcomes merely by being similar in our thinking, but have such vastly different experience frameworks, that we never run out of things to talk about.

And when I think about how I feel about her, I can honestly say that I have no words to describe it. I cannot describe my feelings because all the usual words seem hollow and empty by comparison. I cannot help but marvel at the depth that she has, the way that she views the world and how we see the beauty in what others deem everyday things.

In a few short weeks, she has brought me back from the brink of cynicism and made me back into a believer. Every feeling that I have had in the entirety of my 25 years on this planet suddenly seems like nothing more than a mere drop in the ocean of what I am now experiencing.

Longing, real longing has become part of my day, and I relish it, because while the longing is in and of itself the worst part of my day, knowing what it is and who I am missing, makes it worthwhile. I am consumed by a burning passion, not merely physical, but deeply emotional. I am seeing more beauty and more of how we compliment each other with each day that passes.

A good example is terms of endearment. And how I had to find one to attempt to capture her personality, all of the usual suspects just couldn't come close, so I had to dig deep and come up with one of my own, one which she knows, and I know, and no-one else will ever understand, and I went with Spatzi, with the meaning understood clearly by only us.

Basically this post is a rant, and one that I needed to perform. I needed to yell out to the world how I feel, because it is what fills me :)
Sorry if you didn't enjoy this post, but honestly, I don't care, it was done for me :)